His top 10 fashion hates

PAULA JOYE
Last updated 13:14 28/11/2012

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Think men don't notice about what women wear? Think again. When I conducted several informal yet indepth surveys of the blokes I know, they were emphatic about what they loathed to see women wearing. Skorts, turtle necks, romper suits, jumpsuits, heavy lipstick, heavy make-up, no eyebrows, dresses over jeans were the top of many hate lists, but there were a few surprises too: noisy jewellery, toe cleavage, tube tops, padded bras (false advertising), fake fur and over-sized sunglasses.

So here, with no scientific qualification whatsoever, are the top 10 things men hate about your wardrobe.

1. HIGH WAISTED JEANS: That pouchy bit between the bottom of the zipper and the button... when you turn side on it looks like you've strapped a denim hot dog around your waist.

2. GLADIATOR SANDALS: These don't make you look like Diane Kruger in Helen of Troy; they make you look like Russell Crowe.

3. LEGGINGS: I always hear women talking about leggings and that they shouldn't be worn as pants but those women are usually wearing leggings as pants. Here's what we think: they don't suit you. Not at the gym. Not at the shops. Not anywhere that there are men. 

4. GRANNY UNDERWEAR: What? There is a reason it's called GRANNY underwear.

5. CAPRI PANTS/PEDAL PUSHERS: You look like a deck hand from the First Fleet. What happened to the fabric on the bottom of your pants? Is that what they make scrunchies out of?

6. THE JERSEY/GEORDIE SHORE LOOK: Tight mini skirt, fake hair, orange tan, spiders where your eyelashes should be... if you're not wrapped around a pole and this describes what you've got on right now then you look like you should be wrapped around a pole.

7. DUNGAREES: Oh look it's a life size version of Jemima from Play School.

8. OUR STUFF: My jeans, my shirt, my boxers - the person who told you that men like seeing women in their clothing was someone called Cosmopolitan. Give it back. It's not sexy and also it's mine.

9. ANIMAL PRINT: This is to fabric what Christy Turlington is to supermodels - we don't get it. I'm sure it's beautiful but you look like the sofa at my Aunt Lisa's house.

10. a) CARGO PANTS: I don't understand why you think that green, army issue pants made to protect soldiers fighting in extreme locations for long periods of time would be flattering worn with a pair of high heels to a bar?

10 b) HAREM PANTS: I don't understand why you think that pants made famous by a male 80s pop star with only one bad hit song would be flattering worn with high heels to a bar?

10 c) POO CATCHER PANTS: I don't understand why you think pants that start with the word 'poo' would be flattering worn with high heels at a bar?

I'm giving the last word to Yves Saint Laurent whose sentiment echoes that of most men when it comes to women and our clothes. He said: "Over the years I have learned that what is important in a dress is the woman who is wearing it."

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