Or at least make you look as though you have. Because the whole world of fashion is really one big game of illusion - that you're rich, that your handbag is a real Louis Vuitton and not a $20 knockoff from Malaysia, that your long blonde locks are real, that you're really 5"10' all the time, or that you thought of the khaki-jacket-and-black-belt-over-top combo well before you saw that stylish Ponsonby girl doing it (guilty).
One of the beautiful things about clothing is its ability to disguise and change the shape of whatever is inside it. It can make our eyes bluer, or our thighs thinner, or our boobs perkier. Use fashion wisely and we can all be our body's own magician. Wear your jeans wisely and your husband will be Hail Mary-ing your behind like it's a miracle of nature. Over the years I've learned a few magician's tricks that make you look taller, thinner and toight as a tiger. And because I love you dearly and after this I'm sure your husbands will too, I share.
Trick number 1 - Wear a duster coat.
Images via Rugby.com, Polyvore, Loobook.nu and Glamour.
A duster coat (also known as a day coat) comes in many guises, but is generally a lightweight coat with a straight up-and-down cut. These vary between dressy evening styles and more casual variations depending on the fabric. A duster coat worn with a contrasting garment underneath will make you only as wide as the contrasting garment you wear beneath. Get it? Especially when it's a dress. See Solange there? She looks only as wide as the amount of yellow dress that's on show. Genius.
Same goes for long-line cardigans:
Blake's image via Coutureinthecity.
Trick number 2 - Wear a panel dress.
Image via entertainment.msn
Topshop and Polyvore
Remember this famous dress? See what it did to Kate's bod? It sucked her, slurped her, and visually poured her into half her size, all thanks to crafty panels of contrasting colours that played on negative space. This is a great trick to try for swimwear too. There's a great one for $59 in Switch at Farmers right now, and one at Topshop.com too.
Trick number 3 - Wear monochrome.
All three garments from Topshop.
Wearing a full outfit of like colours streamlines your silhouette and makes you look taller and more lean. It also helps that this is a look big on the catwalks right now, so you'll also be very fashion forward.
Trick number 4 - Wear nude heels.
Both pairs from Asos.
Nude heels are the shizzle. When worn with bare legs they make your legs look like they go on forever. Kate Mid loves them and so do I. Buy some.
Trick number 5 - Fake tan your loins.
Everyone knows that being tanned makes you look leaner and more toned (cellulite dain't show up as much on brown skin). I won't be promoting getting your cancer on under the rays outdoors, and Ambre Solaire does just as good a job.
Trick number 6 - Squeeze into control pants.
Get these Spanx from Ezibuy.
There's nothing better to suck in your bod than a pair of Bridget Jones control pants. It'll smooth your lumps and shrink you down at least half a dress size. Hells yea, I say.
Trick number 7 - Give me some skin.
Image via Instyle.
Another great way to look like a skinny B*%ch is to flash your tits. No, just kidding, but exposing a bit of skin round your chest area will balance out your upper half while shifting googling eyes away from your tummy, which you may or may not have a problem with. Chances are you do, though, because none of us ungrateful brats are happy with our bodies the way they are. Funny that. But back to the lecture at hand, Halle's got it down, she's always spotted in deep V everything. So stock up your closet with V-neck dresses, T-shirts and boiler suits. Just kidding. Not. Not.
I'm back in action now after a week without you (I trust you've all been good) and later this week I'll bring you a giveaway of tremendous expensive and dribble-worthy proportions. Stay tuned.
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