Six signs you're an annoying foodie

GANESH RAJ
Last updated 05:00 03/07/2014
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CAMERA COMES FIRST: 'Umm, would you mind like turning up the lights? It's literally impossible for me to get good food shots in this mood lighting'.

Ganesh Raj
SPEAKING UP: Our resident Crimes Against Food writer, Ganesh Raj.

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OPINION: Our weekly food series that takes an irreverent but informative look at crimes against food has returned!

This week Ganesh Raj paints a picture of the modern-day 'foodie' ... 

Alright, here are six ways to identify 'The Uber Foodie': boast three or more of these traits and you may just be annoying. Scrap that, you are guaranteed to be very annoying ... 

1. They Instagram every meal

Social media is a means of proving that your life doesn't suck while, simultaneously, documenting every painfully-boring life event. 

The Foodie posts an Instagram picture of a handful of blackberries. What would their day have been like without those blackberries? Would they have felt a little less connected to the earth and, ultimately, themselves? 

Or perhaps the real question is this: how disappointed will they be if the beautiful, plump berries get less than 15 likes?

But apparently people like to feel earthy and spontaneous by living vicariously through their berry-picking adventure. So people leave comments like, "Yummy. Jealous!!!" And sadly the commenter is actually jealous and does actually think that the foodie is rustic and outdoorsy and simple, but in an old-timey Norman-Rockwell, America-is-really-great, way. 

How quaint.

2. They want to know everything about the meat

Foodies might feel better knowing that the entree was a "humanely raised, certified organic, grass fed, free roamer." 

But, ultimately, that cow was Tasered in the face and bled to death upside down so that you could try the dry-aged burger on a gluten free bun. 

3. They're star struck

"You've been to Drum-Roll, of course."

"You mean you haven't had the morel dessert cup at Caliber yet?!"

"We saw Dickson Nanos julienning turtle-dove feathers at Dawn last week, and if The Smarts is going to be anything like Dawn, Dickson's got another hit on his hands."

If you care more about dropping names and showing off than about the food and the people - I said "people," not "celebrities" - who make and eat it, then your primary purpose in going out to eat is shoring up your social status, not enjoying a good meal with friends.

That's a crappy kind of foodie to be.

4. They scoff at 'basics' 

People who are snobbish about music or fashion are insufferable, but at least there's some sort of self-expression involved in their cultural pursuits. With food, you're just stuffing your face. Remember that the next time you scoff as you spy a long line while walking past Starbucks.

There's no need to be pretentious. People can eat and drink what they want. 

And sometimes you just have to eat the dirty food: nothing massages a hangover more than a bit of that action. Unless of course Foodies have more refined hangovers than the rest of us that can only be cured with a Nicoise Salad and a glass of Antipodes mineral water with organic biometrically stable lemon.

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Lighten up. It's just food and, eventually, it comes out the other end. 

5. They pass it on to their kids

Parents that create the notion that food is either good or bad are setting their kids up for a life of guilt, shame and punishment.

These are the parents that make gelato the holy-grail and claim TipTop to be the work of the devil. They take the simple brownie and chastise it in front of their children, pushing them instead towards the cacao laced coconut ball with 
slivers of dried feijoa for 'texture'.

What will these Foodie parents say when their kids begin hiding their food choices, keeping secrets and developing unhealthy relationships with food? 

6. They hate the word Foodie

Is there any greater contradiction? 

Apparently the word Foodie groups too many types of food-obsessed people together.

There are those who love food for food, those who love food for its fads, those who love food for how it brings people together, and then those who take their love of food and wear it on their arm like a badge of self-entitlement. 

No one wants to be grouped with self-entitled foodies. No one. Especially self-entitled foodies.

- Have any annoying foodie traits to add? Tell us in the comments below. 

- Stuff

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