Starbucks' Unicorn Frappuccino tastes like sour birthday cake and shame
Most people think of unicorns as cuddly-cute magical rainbow sparkle horses, right?
Except according to ancient lore, the mythical creature was "the fiercest animal, and it is said that it is impossible to capture one alive," wrote Pliny. "Its cry is a deep bellow."
A deep bellow was the noise heard across America when Starbucks released its long-rumoured Unicorn Frappuccino in participating stores this week.
It is, indeed, a fearsome beast, one "made with a sweet dusting of pink powder blended into a creme Frappuccino with mango syrup, and layered with a pleasantly sour blue powder topping," according to a Starbucks news release. It changes colours from purple to pink when you stir in "swirls of blue."
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When a news release identifies a drink's component parts by its colours, rather than its flavours - well, that's a pretty telling detail. And sure enough, it is vibrant and fun. But what flavour is "pink?" Pink is the flavour of strawberry milk.
What does sour blue powder taste like? Like Jolly Ranchers, and shame. I guess there's some mango in there, though it's overshadowed by a mouth-puckering sour flavour and immediately forgotten in the aftermath of a long-lasting, tongue-coating Robitussin aftertaste.
Really, it does not matter what candies and medicines and emotions these coloured powders taste like: This drink only exists to be Instagrammed, hashtag unicorn emoji, hashtag magical.
The unicorn frappe was only made so people would take pictures of it. I see you, Starbucks... I see you.— Rachel Ballinger (@MissRBaller) April 19, 2017
Starbucks offers a "Unicorn Frappuccino." It tastes like Tropical Skittles. The cost? Your dignity when you order a "UNICORN FRAPPUCCINO"!— Guy Phillips (@GuyPhillips) April 19, 2017
With the release, Starbucks has become the latest brand to capitalise on the social media-famous unicorn food trend. There are unicorn noodles, lattes, toast, macarons, pancakes and Pop-Tarts. There are even "unicorn poop" cookies - a riff on a popular internet meme that asserts that unicorns, um, excrete rainbows.
Let's all be thankful Starbucks didn't pursue that line of reasoning.
Teenage girls are the demographic for this drink, right? Because I, a 31-year-old-woman, felt way too old to be carrying one of these down the street, the judgmental stares of Real Adults boring into me.
It tastes like sour birthday cake and Instagram likes. It tastes like a creamsicle drenched in pixie sticks. It's only available until April 23, and once it goes away, we'll all wonder: Was it just a myth?
- The Washington Post