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Loud lovemaking driving neighbours bonkers

JIMMY THOMSON
Last updated 12:57 07/08/2014
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You call an exorcist when you hear things that go bump in the night, but who do you call for things that go bonk during the day?

"I am suffering from the constant banging of a bed on wall at all hours as my upstairs neighbours have sex," writes Wizardofoz on the Flat Chat Forum. "I am pretty sure it is directly upstairs. How do I tackle this problem? Ask my neighbour to their face? Leave a note? 

"The banging goes on all hours and it sounds as if they are in my room. There's that and a squeaky bed, and I really don't want to know how often my neighbour has long sex sessions. 

"It's like their bed is hitting the wall and skirting and it's a new issue as I haven't heard this before and I've lived here for seven years. Please help."

Oddly enough, Wiz, this problem perfectly illustrates one of the most fundamental principles of apartment living. It's a fact that is so obvious yet so frequently overlooked it should be carved in stone in the doorway of every unit block: The neighbour making a noise doesn't know how loud it sounds in your room. How could they? 

But as happens so often in strata, the problem contains the seeds of its solution. So consider dropping a gentle, humorous and anonymous (if you prefer) note to all your neighbours above, below and around your flat, saying something like this: "I don't want to spoil your fun, and I envy your enthusiasm, but if you are the neighbour whose energetic love-making is banging your bedhead on your bedroom wall, all night and day, you might be interested know the rest of us can hear. Share the love, but please spare us the sound effects." 

If embarrassment doesn't put a brake on the bonking, the Flat Chat Faithful have their own solutions. "Wait for a moment or two after the noise stops and then applaud loudly or play a recording of applause on your hi-fi gear," suggests StrataGuru PeterC.

Needless to say, there are more suggestions on the forum

Has your neighbour's amorous activities ever created any issues in your home or apartment?  

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