How to tell if you're a tosser

LARISSA HAM
Last updated 09:12 19/06/2013
tosser
Quentin Jones

LEGEND IN MY OWN LUNCHTIME: Like my look? You should, it cost a fortune.

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Mirror, mirror on my inner-city warehouse wall - who's the biggest, er, tosser of them all?

Twirl your metrosexual moustache, sip your organic latte and consider this: it might just be you, gorgeous.

Nothing screams arrogance like the native tosser. So for no reason at all, other than helping a self-delusional brother (or sister) out, we've compiled a list of warning signs to watch out for.

Because as my Dad - definitely not a spanner - is fond of saying, "Man with tool in hand is not necessarily a mechanic".

Blah, blah, blah, blah

Ever 'half-jokingly' been dubbed an "oxygen thief"?

Were you standing up at your desk or marching around the office conducting an unseemingly loud convo at the time - most likely via a headset or Bluetooth?

As a species the not-so-humble tosser is not a difficult beast to spot, except, ironically, if you're the subject in question.

Arrogance, like a fake tan, does make one stand out from the crowd. Especially if you've had your teeth whitened.

But that's OK, you're usually the life of the party - if it's held in a great "space" - preferably down a gritty, dark, inner-city alley, with a cover charge and drinks that cost the same as a small Cambodian house.

Once you're in, you'll be the one waxing lyrical on any subject at all. Just come back from Nepal? Pfft. Did I tell you I once met Tashi Tenzing on my way to Everest base camp? What, you don't know him? Ha! Tenzing Norgay's grandson ... of course.

Been to Bali? I went there 20 years ago. It was very real then. Crap now, though. Oh, you're going, are you?

Anything we can do, you can do better. In fact, you say 'I' with such abandon, one could mistake you for the late Fred Hollows. Except he wasn't a tosser.

General fakery

Note to selfie: one doesn't really need to change their Facebook pic as often as they change their Calvin Kleins, especially if you've conveniently focused in on your tanned, tatt-azzled torso.

Naturally, you won't mind marketing your beautiful life or gifted children on "Facey", even if it's faux-ironically. Nothing screams "I'm awesome" like 480 friends and 42 pic uploads a day.

Ah, your life is something to behold - if only you just weren't so skint right now. With the rising cost of living, it's so hard to get by on 200 large a year.

Stuff it, let's all have an Asahi to forget our woes.

Word wankery

Why call an old spade a spade when you could refer to it as a 'found object'? When it comes to word wankery, the tosser worth his sea salt will know that the bigger, or more obscure the word, the better.

The problem with this type of behaviour is that it can 'cascade' down through an organisation, particularly if one has a number of corporate projects 'in train'. This will require much 'touching base', most likely some 'blue sky thinking' and a healthy dose of 'KPIs'.

Moving forward, this linguistic vandalism, per se, could start to get the most centred person dreaming of 'chasing their bliss'.

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Seen my new Beamer?

Rightio, so you earn a lot of money. Good for you - as long as you don't bang on about it every time you pull out your platinum plastic.

Most of us don't care for your Captain Obvious approach to splashing around your wealth.

So take your bottle of Grange, pop it in the tiny boot of your two-door wallet on wheels and cruise off down to the beach pad/chalet for some chillaxing.

If you time it right, you could undertake a "reno" at your urban base simultaneously. Note: the more conversational mileage you can get out of said reno the better. Sure, you're not laying the tiles yourself, but don't sell yourself short; it wouldn't have happened without that vision board.

General sneering

You live where? Nah, I wouldn't go to a party that far out if you paid me (not that I need the money!)

The stereotypical tosser would rather stay home and gaze at their reflection in their stainless steel Miele fridge than venture more than 10 clicks out east/west/south/north.

However, a weekend trip to a winery is not to be quaffed at, as long as it's somewhere that's won some kind of medal.

And while travelling to the 'burbs does not float your rather large boat, going overseas is a different matter. In fact, the further afield and the more "povo" the better, especially if it's been featured in a recent pay TV doco.

Once there, you'll whinge loudly and rudely about the food and service.

"Gee they're a poor people, but they seem so happy," you'll tell all and sundry when you return home 14 days later wearing khaki pants and numerous friendship bands.

Yes, life as a tosser is mighty fine, however there are a number of things that do get on your goat's cheese.

A (hold index finger on opposite thumb to demonstrate) - articles about cycling, B (place index finger on opposite same) - the price of housing, and C - self-indulgent articles about tossers.

Oh well, at least you can comment anonymously these days. #justsayin

- Sydney Morning Herald

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