Five 'defriend'-worthy Facebook offences

NYREE MCFARLANE
Last updated 05:00 22/07/2013
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THE RIGHTEOUS RAMBLER: It's 5am and she's already gone for a run, made some homemade granola crap and done some charity social media work. Defriend!

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OPINION: If you bombard my wall with any of the following status offences, I will defriend you. Swiftly. 

1. THE RIGHTEOUS RAMBLER

"Just ran 10k, ate some delish no-sugar old-world grain muesli, drank a decaf coffee as a naughty treat, and then my j'amaze hubbie and I headed out for a 20k bike ride and it's only 10am! Next up? Arts & crafts - watch out linen cupboard, you're about to be decoupaged!"

Post this on a Saturday, and if I see it as I'm rolling out of bed with a sore head and only a half-eaten kebab to keep me company, you will be hidden. 

Oh, and if there's an emoticon within even sniffing distance, that's it, de-to-the-friend.

2. THE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE MOANER

"I just don't know why I try sometimes."

Oh, you may not know why you try, but I know why you posted this...

I refuse to be one of the 20 people who reply, "Oh honey, what's up?" because that's exactly what you want, and I won't be privy to feeding your addiction.

Side note, most of us barely have time for our own drama, and so certainly don't want to have to ingest even an ounce of yours when we innocently rev up our smartphone to scroll through our news feed and take a break from the real world.

Yes we all have bad days and need to off-load, but if you're feeling really down then pull a Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and phone a friend.

3. THE TRIGGER HAPPY CHECK-IN FRIEND

Barry just checked in at... KFC (Bazza - moments spent ingesting deep fried chicken are best kept to ourselves).

Unless you're somewhere completely amazing and unusual that deserves a still slightly-annoying Face-Brag, I don't want to know where you are (although your stalker might). 

Actually, I lie, if you're prone to the 'number one - righteous ramble' and live anywhere near the Wellington region, please do check in so that I can ignore your chirpy self on a Saturday morning.

4. SPOILER SALLY

I'm not even going to put an example of this, because that would be a spoiler alert in-and-of-itself. Let me just say that a lot of you ruined 'that' scene from Game Of Thrones for me (#neverforget). 

Post spoiler red alert, acquaintances were instantly defriended, and friends sent text messages saying, "what the jeez?!".

Yes, I communicated directly with them because if I have beef with people, I actually communicate it to them rather than posting a cryptic 'harumph-moan-look-at-me-harumph' status.

5. THE CHEAP CANDY CRUSH ADDICT

Guys, if you're so cracked out on the game that you can't wait 24 hours for the next quest, then just buy level 81. Do not invite your tech-savvy Facebook-loving grandma into the game addiction circle. That's just cruel.

Oh, that said, try not to spend as much moolah on those little colourful squares as this guy did.

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