Sex on the first date is...

Last updated 13:00 09/07/2014

GETTING DOWN TO IT: For some people, it's important to establish sexual compatibility early on in a relationship and, if the moment feels right, why not have sex?

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It's quite amazing that in this day and age we still have a double standard when it comes to having sex on a first date. If a male does it, he is called a stud; if a woman does it, she is called a slut.

Shouldn't we have gender equality by now? Should the belief that men and women be held to different standards of sexual conduct be a notion of the past?

Many people recognise that sex is an important component of a successful and healthy relationship; having sex on a first date may be ok for them and nothing to be ashamed of.

This issue often comes up in counselling sessions with my clients. Sex can complicate a new relationship; not all women plan to have sex on the first date, sometimes it just happens. They go out, have a great time, get drunk, feel sexy and, before they know it they are in bed with someone.

One client told me: "I just don't understand; the sex was great, there was chemistry, but he never called or texted me after I gave him my mobile number. I feel so stupid now; what did I do wrong?"

I explained there was no right answer to such a question. If the guy is really interested, he will find a way to contact you. Maybe he was just someone who is into casual sex and was under the impression you were too. The most important thing is to not take it personally.

As long as someone who has sex on the first date has no expectations that there will be more dates, it's not a problem. The experience may be not that great, after all, and once is enough.

We are all very busy in today's hectic world, and going out on dates takes up a lot of free time. For some people, it's important to establish sexual compatibility early on in a relationship and, if the moment feels right, if there is good chemistry, why not have sex?

Not all men plan to have sex on the first date either. Spare a thought for one of my clients, who drank too much and went home with a woman from work. He was very excited, but for the first time, he lost his erection. The woman's reaction was unpleasant and going to work the next day was highly embarrassing. Would she tell everybody?

It's relatively easy for women to have sex, but for males there is always the pressure to perform well. My client acquired instant performance anxiety; it took him a while to get over his fear of having sex again.

It was the legendary Sigmund Freud who coined the "madonna-whore complex" concept, which explains how some men see women in two categories: The "whore" is the woman he will sleep with and lust after, but he will never respect her as wife material and he will never marry her. He will look for a "good" woman to marry, the pure "madonna" type who will bear his children.

From a woman's perspective, why would you want to date a man with double standards?

French GQ sex columnist Maia Mazaurette writes a popular column called "Sex Actu". She writes only in French but was interviewed by New York sex columnist Maureen O'Connor about the French way of having sex. She says the French are better at sex because they have fewer inhibitions and are not as prudish as the British and Americans.

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She says casual sex is far less stigmatised in France, it's an act you should engage in when it feels right for you. "We don't have dating rituals, we just start with sex!" If you think someone is attractive, you give it a try, it's better to have sex earlier rather than later. "If you get sex out of the way first, then you can only have good surprises."

But Mazaurette contradicts herself by saying French people consider masturbation a taboo, something you do only when there is no other choice! She adds that "French people think it is extremely weird to have just a blow job".

Maybe some French readers can comment on that.

But what do you think - is having sex on the first date a bad idea?

- Sydney Morning Herald


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