The online dating profile mistakes women make
OPINION: There seems to be quite an online cottage industry nowadays advising men what not to do on their dating profiles. Better still, other users of these services love to name and shame dudes who fall afoul of the namer and shamer's self-constructed etiquette for advertising oneself for sex, marriage or penpal.
Me? I enjoy being hit on by petite brunettes with blue eyes and their own machine learning startup who dig older men and long chats about Douglas Hofstadter, but will settle for a petite brunette with blue eyes.
However, you can't be that specific in something as irreproachable as a Tinder bio, lest the alchemy of attraction is reduced to a biochemical bubble bath we all flail about in, rather than the transcendent co-joining of souls most petite brunettes wish it to be.
So, at the risk of insulting women who'd never think to write "no short, bald or old guys" on their RSVP profile, I'll point out a few feminine fails I've noticed during my mournful 2am swiping, while swilling codeine and whisky.
Don't pose with a glass of wine in every picture: Unless, of course, you're looking for that bloke who's holding a schooner or can of VB in every one of his own pics, screaming at the camera because Jamie Whincup's just gotten pole.
Wow, and you drink French champagne too? If holding the bottle aloft like a proud fisherman is meant to be a statement of conspicuous consumption, I'm guessing you've also got Ikea's 'leather' lounge.
Your children should not be your profile picture: I get they're important to you, but this is not a great selling point for a possible future sexual relationship. Every time I see this faux pas, I get visions of John Belushi doing his "How much for the little girl?" routine in The Blues Brothers.
Can we include a picture of you not in a bridal party? Or without four friends (holding wine glasses) doing the Paris Hilton pose? You can actually swipe through five pictures on some profiles and still be none the wiser as to which woman you're meant to be admiring. Unless, of course, it's a group package?
Yes, you also have hot friends: Me too, and I look like a mongrel standing next to a monument. Be the rose, not the thorns.
Has anyone ever taken a picture of you, except you? With every person on earth now carrying a camera with them 24 hours a day, how is it possible no one's managed to squeeze off a frame of you? Fifteen selfies shot from the same improbable angle, doesn't speak well of the size of your social circle (or your "bad" side).
You really like fancy dress, eh? I also reckon you might own more zany hats than books, but we'll get to that further down. Nice eye patch, though.
Pouting for the camera: Watch someone sucking spaghetti. That's you.
A sunrise? A picture of an Indian deity? A quote about surviving heartbreak and being stronger than a panther-like Indian deity that gave birth to the sun? Where do I sign up?
Neck tattoos: How's that working out for you?
Lastly, I'd mention spelling and punctuation but, if you're old enough to own a phone and have not mastered either of these skills, you're also probably about to be mown down crossing a street because you're staring at your Instagram likes.
Let's not add to your problems.