A feminist's guide to 'keeping your man'
As a feminist, it's very difficult for me to get dates. Despite living in a romantic partnership with a man and having 'known' other men in the biblical sense, the whiff of angry sorceress that clings to my yeti-like body fur can be a bit of a passion killer. Daily - hourly, even! - I ask myself the question of what I must be doing wrong. Why don't men see me as having the kind of 'sex appeal' that would enable me to represent a political electorate? Is it my unbearable independence? My sow like insistence on being treated as an equal? The fact that, as a professional misandrist, I won't sleep until every single one of those MEN is enslaved by the matriarchy, their sperm harvested so we can steal their children and raise an army of brainwashed boys to do the bidding of their maternal overlords?
If only there was some kind of course I could take to learn about how to enchant men. Then maybe I could get rid of this feminism malarkey and discover what true happiness is - the arms of a man, wrapping me up tight, whispering that he'll never, ever let me go...ever.
BUT WAIT, THERE IS!
Carrie Engel's 'Enchant Him' system promises to show me how to make any man - any of them! - fall immediately in love with me. I learned this by watching the infomercial for the Enchant Him system, which only took about 43 million hours give or take a couple of light years.
If I were to purchase the Enchant Him system for the low low price of 'GTFO you're seriously charging money for this racket?', I could learn:
* How to get Him eager to spend every second with me (joined at the hip! I can't wait.)
* Why men don't communicate like women, and how this stops our essential communication (it's because they're like dogs and they love differently.)
* How to have him eating out of the palm of my hand (presumably after he's mastered a trick, and I reward him with a puppy treat)
* How to trigger something in him so he'll want to be by my side forever (Stockholm Syndrome, perhaps?)
By using the Enchant Him system, I could remove all the confusion I've had and learn how to find someone who would love me FOREVER!
But perhaps there's an easier way? If you follow my five step system, you can learn free of charge all the necessary tricks to get a man to devote himself to you entirely! I have watched a lot of hours of Sex and the City and even enjoyed a handful of minutes of it, so I'm basically an expert.
1. Never, ever disagree with him. Even when you know he's wrong. Men don't like being told that they don't know what they're talking about. It makes them feel sad, and when a man's sad it's not just his eyes that cry....it's also his penis.
2. Laugh at all his jokes. Even when they're not funny. Even when you know they're not funny, because you're actually funnier than him. Because you are a comedian, and you get paid to write jokes and deliver them so that people laugh. Still laugh at his jokes, and listen with an interested, slightly awed expression when he tells you why women find it harder to be funny than men. He probably knows what he's talking about, because he owns the entire box set of Black Books and can quote it QUITE extensively.
3. Take care of yourself. Men like women who take care of themselves, because it shows that they care about what the man thinks. But don't go crazy or anything, because men like real women with curves and big appetites but fast metabolisms that can negative gear the calories of a cheese steak in less time than it takes to admire how someone can put so much food away and still look petite enough to carry over a threshold. Don't wear too much makeup. Yuck.
4. Make sure he knows how smart he is. This can be done in a range of ways, but the easiest is probably just asking him to give his opinion on something. It doesn't matter what it is - men pretty much know a little bit of something about a little bit of everything. It's biological. If you're not sure why, just find a man and ask him. I bet he has something interesting to say on the matter.
5. Understand his needs. Men are complicated creatures, and they carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. They have to design all the things, run all the things, explain all the things. It's a tough job. At the end of the day, a man needs to have a range of different needs met. He needs to be nurtured. He needs to be supported. And he needs to be honoured. Sexually. You have to be three things, all at once! Take a leaf out of Liberace's book.