Was I right to walk away?

Flirty texts led to dinner dates and a night of passion. But he wants to keep it casual - should she hold out in the hope of more, or just walk away?

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I am separated and filing for divorce. A single friend I met recently sent me a raunchy and flattering text. Then there were several more texts, then a drink.

The next encounter was a date, then on the third occasion we had sex. Nope, not safe, but ok (we both went to a clinic and were cleared of any nasties).

More dinner dates followed and he was leading me to a world of fantasies. I was misled to think we were heading to what may have been a relationship, as he told me he had very strong feelings for me.

When I challenged him about this he was adamant that he wanted to remain single, but wished to have me as his friend, text buddy and intimate love buddy.

I spent a lot of time and money on this guy and fell in love with him. But after weighing up the situation, I have now decided that if he only wants me for that, then it's time for him to get his kicks elsewhere.

Did I make the right decision?
A silly mistake

Congratulations on making a stand for yourself! You both wanted different things and that became clear.

Sometimes we don't know this till we dip our toe in the water and the time right after separations can be a time when impulsive decisions are made, so don't be too hard on yourself.

It isn't easy to let go of the pleasures you have enjoyed with this guy, but you seem really clear you want to be more than a friend and love buddy and it is so much better to make this decision now rather than giving up on what you want in the hope he may change.

Getting back into the relationship game does free you up to explore again and it usually takes some time together to work out if this is a short term fling or the possibility of longer term commitment. 

It can be really easy to be caught up in the lust and sexual attraction of a new relationship - wonderful, exciting and exhilarating, but not in itself enough to mean an on-going relationship or anything more than in the moment sharing and connection.

When we are caught up in the excitement of a new relationship we tend to not see the things that don't fit in with that exciting view.

We can also convince ourselves that the other person wants what we want.

Somehow it is about finding a balance between being open to new possibilities and not getting so caught up we lose track of what we know is right for ourselves and what we want for the future.

I would invite you to take all the good learning from this relationship - what you enjoyed and what you didn't, what you would do again, and what you wouldn't. 

Equipped with those reflections you are ready for your next relationship adventure and  will  be much clearer about what you want and how to go about getting it.

For more advice and information on counselling, visit Relationships Aotearoa online or join them on Facebook.

We'd love to hear your take on this week's issue. Before you comment below, though, remember that this is a real-life situation. This reader has bravely shared their personal life with you; please show them respect by refraining from hurtful or abusive comments.