Was I right to walk away?

Last updated 05:00 02/08/2012

Flirty texts led to dinner dates and a night of passion. But he wants to keep it casual - should she hold out in the hope of more, or just walk away?

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I am separated and filing for divorce. A single friend I met recently sent me a raunchy and flattering text. Then there were several more texts, then a drink.

The next encounter was a date, then on the third occasion we had sex. Nope, not safe, but ok (we both went to a clinic and were cleared of any nasties).

More dinner dates followed and he was leading me to a world of fantasies. I was misled to think we were heading to what may have been a relationship, as he told me he had very strong feelings for me.

When I challenged him about this he was adamant that he wanted to remain single, but wished to have me as his friend, text buddy and intimate love buddy.

I spent a lot of time and money on this guy and fell in love with him. But after weighing up the situation, I have now decided that if he only wants me for that, then it's time for him to get his kicks elsewhere.

Did I make the right decision?
A silly mistake

Congratulations on making a stand for yourself! You both wanted different things and that became clear.

Sometimes we don't know this till we dip our toe in the water and the time right after separations can be a time when impulsive decisions are made, so don't be too hard on yourself.

It isn't easy to let go of the pleasures you have enjoyed with this guy, but you seem really clear you want to be more than a friend and love buddy and it is so much better to make this decision now rather than giving up on what you want in the hope he may change.

Getting back into the relationship game does free you up to explore again and it usually takes some time together to work out if this is a short term fling or the possibility of longer term commitment. 

It can be really easy to be caught up in the lust and sexual attraction of a new relationship - wonderful, exciting and exhilarating, but not in itself enough to mean an on-going relationship or anything more than in the moment sharing and connection.

When we are caught up in the excitement of a new relationship we tend to not see the things that don't fit in with that exciting view.

We can also convince ourselves that the other person wants what we want.

Somehow it is about finding a balance between being open to new possibilities and not getting so caught up we lose track of what we know is right for ourselves and what we want for the future.

I would invite you to take all the good learning from this relationship - what you enjoyed and what you didn't, what you would do again, and what you wouldn't. 

Equipped with those reflections you are ready for your next relationship adventure and  will  be much clearer about what you want and how to go about getting it.

For more advice and information on counselling, visit Relationships Aotearoa online or join them on Facebook.

We'd love to hear your take on this week's issue. Before you comment below, though, remember that this is a real-life situation. This reader has bravely shared their personal life with you; please show them respect by refraining from hurtful or abusive comments.

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Abbey   #1   06:13 am Aug 02 2012

Have to say this sounds alot like the book ' fifty shades of grey' minus a more raunchy plot line.

St Paul   #2   07:15 am Aug 02 2012

This is another example of why humans should only have sex within a marriage, commitment FIRST, then procreation ( read intercourse). This prescribed rule eliminates so many dilemmas as described in the above paragraph. 'Nuff said! It ain't rocket science.

Similar   #3   07:34 am Aug 02 2012

Good on you for being so brave! If the things you need in a relationship to feel comfortable aren't there, it is not going to be positive. I allowed myself to remain in a situation like that years ago, and it broke my heart very very badly, and damaged my ability to be present in relationships for years after. These days I go out on the occasional date, and recently had someone behave similarly to your friend - several dates (no sex, but plenty of flirting) and then tell me they had a friend with benefits also on the go. I walked away - and they got very angry with my 'high expectations'. It was so the right thing to do!! I'd just warn you - be prepared for the possibility your 'friend' may get angry or manipulative. He was willing to mislead you, and he clearly had a game plan which involved your strong emotional commitment without his. Go you for calling the bluff, and valuing yourself :-)I bet you are a legend to your girlfriends for being so self confident and strong!!

Miss_Whanau   #4   07:58 am Aug 02 2012

Of course you made the right decision. He wants you for sex and has been very honest about that. If that's not what you want, you need to walk away.

Good on ya girl. Stick with it with your decision.

Alistair   #5   08:11 am Aug 02 2012

Very interesting, I hear women complaining a lot these days about spending money on men, lots of non committal relationships based on sex, there is no one side to blame or to be made responsible any more, love needs trust and we all have so much choice and distraction these days, if you want to enjoy these pleasures carry on, if you want something deeper don't.

femalekiwi   #6   08:41 am Aug 02 2012

I believe if you choose to end the "fun for now" relationship to find someone who is going to be truly committed to a lifelong partnership with you - and it's what you are looking for - that it's a good choice for you to make.

So many people who have been hurt and jaded by past relationships that did not work out or who think it's likely they will miss out on someone else who may be free if they commit to just one person are emotionally dangerous to be involved with. Falling for someone who is apparently free but who is really unavailable can be more painful than the transient "fun for now" pleasure is worth. Good luck finding "Mr Right" or just enjoy being single - if your "fun for now" partner realizes he has lost a love that is precious and priceless, he will soon find you and let you know he wants you more than just "for now"

Shazzam   #7   08:48 am Aug 02 2012

Good on you, you definitely did the right thing - the dude just wanted to have his cake and eat it too.

Kas   #8   08:50 am Aug 02 2012

Ah familiar story. You're stronger and smarter than I was, I have to say. Because I kept falling for that over and over myself. Well done for sticking up for yourself and you dont even have to ask if you made the right decision. How would staying with him for his kicks whilst you pine for something more be the right thing for you? you'll find a guy who cares for you one day, and your 'buddy' can find another err...'fine' buddy anywhere (substitute 'fine' with another four letter word beginning with F). Those kinds of 'buddies' are dime a dozen. By dropping him, you've proven to everyone that you're not.

Amy   #9   08:58 am Aug 02 2012

Yes! You completly did the right thing! All fun and flattering as it all may have been, you weren't completly fulfilled. Well done on making that decsion, the test now is to stay away, good luck :)

liz   #10   09:00 am Aug 02 2012

Silly question...Of course you made the right decision!

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