Advice: Why do all his friends hate me?

19:31, Feb 20 2013

She loves her partner dearly and they're getting married next year after knowing each other for nearly 20 years. So why are all his friends so unkind to her? What can she do?

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I hope you can help. I love and am engaged to a great guy who I have known for years. We lost touch for about 15 years and 18 months ago we got back together and are getting married next year.

The trouble I have is his friends from the last 15 years seem to hate me. I don't see them often but when I do they seem to go out of their way to exclude me. My fiance and I have a lot in common and when he asked one of his mates if I could go on their yearly trip with them to a sports event out of town (one which I enjoy), he was told no, as it was for guys only.

Well, this year's 'guys only' trip included five guys and three women - two of them were wives and the third was a single woman who spent all weekend flirting with the guys. I went to the event with a female friend and sat with his group, but they barely spoke to me and the single woman spent a lot of time trying to insult me.

The worst bit was that while I was there in the same town I didn't get invited for a drink with them. My partner never even thought about it, so I spent hours walking around doing nothing while he had fun with all these people and he even told me some were making rude comments about me while he said and did nothing.


I don't know what to do, I want to be friends with them but they just shut me out.

 Help me please. Am I making a big mistake? 


It's important to tell your partner how you are feeling about the situation, and how you want to be together when you are socialising.

Part of a successful relationship is knowing that you will look after each other when you socialise, and I can understand your pain at feeling both excluded by the group, and unconsidered by your partner.

Talk to him about how you feel (it's not clear that he knows) and make a plan together for the future. If he is worthy marriage material he will be responsive to your needs. If he is not responsive you have some bigger issues to contend with.

Once you have addressed your relationship with your partner, you have a foundation to start to understand what is going on with his friends. It does seem that you are not clear about this, and it would pay to come to understand their behaviour towards you. Start to consider what it is that might be driving their behaviour.

There is much of this that you could explore in conversation with your partner. Start the conversation with an openness to exploring the issues - don't be blaming or defensive but try to adopt the role of the naive enquirer and ask the questions that will start to give you the answers you are seeking.

Best of luck.

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