Advice: I don't fit his fantasy

Last updated 05:00 21/03/2013

Her partner has revealed he fantasises about big women - and now he wants to feed her up. What should she do?

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I have been with a man for over a year now and just recently he has revealed that he is into bigger women. I am size 16, so I'm not small, but he has shown me photos of women who can barely walk and admitted that it turns him on.

He's slowly introduced the concept of "feeding" and says he would like to feed me because he likes the idea that I'm putting on weight. I've always struggled with my weight so the idea doesn't scare me.

I don't know that he'd ever want me to be as large as some of the women he's shown me but my biggest fear is that he's been so wrapped up in the fantasy of these women that if I put on weight for him, no matter how much, it still won't be enough.

I don't want to lose him but I'm confused. I get nervous talking to him about it and keep thinking that if I put on weight and he leaves me, no one else will ever want me.

Is it normal for him to be so obsessed with women who are 200kg-plus?

Alice


It's probably fair to say that most people have erotic fantasies that they may or may not share with their partners, and whether shared or not the fantasies can bring a stimulating edge to their sex lives. The erotic can take us beyond the day to day relationship we have and beyond our usual sense of self into something ecstatic (ex- stasis actually means beyond the self), adding another dimension of pleasure to our intimate relationships.

Problems start to arise if the pursuit of erotic fantasy starts to take over the 'real' relationship so that the sense of real connection and intimacy that you have with each other becomes lost. Real intimacy is based on you seeing and valuing each other for who you are.

You feel seen and loved for who you are. Reaching into erotic ecstasy by definition means reaching into what in an everyday way you are not, it involves reaching beyond your usual self in some way.

Problems will also start if you embark on the type of feeding that you describe, which is not healthy - for anyone. The health risks involved are high and include diabetes, cardiovascular disease, joint and mobility problems. Please don't give this pathway serious consideration.

When held in balance with the real relationship erotic release can be refreshing, enlivening, and reveal new dimensions of our selves. However also by definition it cannot be the foundation of your relationship, because your relationship needs to be founded on who you are. Even if you tried to meet his erotic ideal, you could only get bigger and bigger to maintain the erotic frission. While each expansion beyond yourself may give your partner an erotic charge, this process does not really have an end, and when would big be big enough?

For your relationship to be successful your partner needs to distinguish between his fantasies and who you really are. He needs to love, see and value you for you, now, size 16 and all. You need to value yourself enough that you hold to this for yourself. This is where any real relationship lives for you both.

So what to do? You are open minded about his fantasy life, if held and integrated into the relationship in the right way this sharing can deepen the relationship between you. This involves your partner accepting that it is a fantasy, knowing the difference between the fantasy and who you are as a real person, and valuing the real you.

Accepting this gives you room to share and explore the fantasy in an erotic way with one another. This kind of sharing involves a kind of emotional risk taking, and can lead to exploring your areas of emotional vulnerability with one another, and deeper levels of mutual acceptance and trust.

If he struggles with this, he may need some help to attend to any addictive tendencies he has around his fantasy life. For you, you need to hold to what you feel valued by, what you feel unseen in, and what contributes to your health and wellbeing.

For more advice and information on counselling, visit Relationships Aotearoa online or join them on Facebook.

We'd love to hear your take on this week's issue. Before you comment below, though, remember that this is a real-life situation. This reader has bravely shared their personal life with you; please show them respect by refraining from hurtful or abusive comments.

- © Fairfax NZ News

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