Advice: Office crush

She still loves her husband, but she has a big crush on someone at work: does it spell marriage disaster? 

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I'm happily married. Our relationship has changed since we first met - it's not as passionate and romantic, but I definitely still love my husband. The only issue is I've developed a big crush on a colleague - like really big - and I think it's mutual. I'd never act on it, but it worries me that it's developed so strongly. 

Does it mean there's something really wrong with my marriage?


Dear Worried, 

It is great that you recognise the happiness in your marriage and are strongly committed to it, even though you feel some of the passion and romance has ebbed.  

Relationships have different phases and over time the first flush of romance starts to settle into something a little more every-day, so what you are feeling is actually quite normal. 

How should you be with your colleague? Take some time to understand more of what these feelings are telling you about yourself. While you are doing that it might be good to avoid being alone together. If you need to spend time with this person for work, it's best to keep to your work roles.  

This way you can keep yourself safe while you come to understand what your feelings are telling you, and how you want to be with this person in the future. 

It is good to remember that secrets can develop a power of their own. Who else can you talk to about this crush? Can you discuss it with supportive friends?  Or could you even talk about this crush with your partner? A slightly different approach might be to use the situation as a flag, and talk to your partner about your desire to create times when you can have more intimacy and romance in your relationship, whether he would like this, and if so how you can go about creating this together.

This means setting aside time to have quality time together, time when you can be intimate, share emotionally, and have fun together. The wonderful thing is that if you handle this situation well it will really grow you, your partner, and your relationship. 

If you are still stuck with how to manage your feelings, and their impact on your relationship you may wish to talk with a counsellor. They will listen to you, have an understanding of your situation, and help you to make a plan to address the situation in a good way.

I hope that provides you with some options for dealing with the situation you find yourself in.

Kind Regards,


For more advice and information on counselling, visit Relationships Aotearoa online or join them on Facebook.

We'd love to hear your take on this week's issue. Before you comment below, though, remember that this is a real-life situation. This reader has bravely shared their personal life with you; please show them respect by refraining from hurtful or abusive comments.