Advice: Losing my baby

They aborted their baby, which was the right decision for her at the time, but she now regrets it ... 

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Recently my partner and I aborted our baby because we found out there were serious problems with it - I won't go into these, but they were grave.

At the time it seemed like the right thing to do, but a year later and I'm still not over it. The decision seemed like the wrong one to me in hindsight.

One of the big problems is that my partner doesn't feel as sad about it as me, and I think he's frustrated with how I keep bringing it up (or maybe he just doesn't want to think about it as much as me). 

What do I do? Isn't it good to talk about it?

I'm pregnant again, which is great, but it's also brought up the emotions all over again. I just still feel so guilty. 


Six Months Pregnant

Dear Five Months Pregnant, 

The situation that you now find yourself in is certainly a difficult one.  

You are in the midst of your grief and loss this is a process that has perhaps been exacerbated by your pregnancy.

Does the guilt you are feeling cause you to wonder 'what if'? Many would say this is very normal in your situation.

You made a decision based on the information and concerns you had at the time, to do nothing sounds like it would have had a 'grave' impact on your child's long term wellbeing?

Your partner sounds as if he has found a way to manage his feelings and talking about it is not helpful for him.

Have you told him you are not coping? Have you told him you think that you need to talk about it to help you to move on and you would like him to support you?  

If he feels unable to help you perhaps acknowledging that you have  different needs right now is important.  

You are right too, it is good to talk about it and your needs are important as well - but you need to talk to someone that can help you to work through your grief and support you through this process.    

Your child will never be forgotten and will always hold a place in your heart - I wonder how you said goodbye to your child? Did you have a ceremony or a ritual to help you to acknowledge his or her life? If not, could this be something that might help you? It is an opportunity to express your grief in a very real way.  

Working through  this huge issue is going to take some time. It might be helpful to meet with a counsellor to help you work through your pain.  

Kind regards,


For more advice and information on counselling, visit Relationships Aotearoa online or join them on Facebook.

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