Advice: He's texting other girls

Last updated 05:32 09/01/2014

She loves him but his constant texting of other girls means she no longer trusts him - can she get that trust back?

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Hi there, 

I need advice. 

I have been with my boyfriend for three years now. We have everything together, two cars, same bank account, everything; but lately he has been distant with me.

He has never been one to talk to other girls, or feel the need to hide his phone, although lately he has put a lock on his phone, changed all his passwords, and has been messaging these girls a lot. 

One afternoon I came home early from work as I was feeling unwell and walked in on him in the shower. I asked him what he had done this afternoon and he said oh not too much, went in the pool and so on.

Then his phone started to go off and we always had the kind of relationship to just look and read it aloud for each other. So just as I would normally, I opened the text and it was from a girl from work and it read: 'Thanks for the nice afternoon at the beach xx."

I quizzed him about it and he said he hid it from me to keep me happy. Later I found out he went on a lunch date with another girl, and to the beach as well. He then told me he had feelings for her, but then said he only said that in the spur of the moment and didn't mean it.

He says he wants to work things out as he loves me. Ever since, he has been messaging them a lot. When he goes out clubbing he can't find the time to message me but has plenty of time to ring and message these girls.

I love him, more than anything, and we had our future set out, but I can't help but feel that he's into these other girls and hiding other stuff.

I've caught him lying too many times and my trust is obviously broken, but all I want is for him to prove what he is saying so he can regain my trust. I know he can.

Is it too late to fix things?

I need help!

Clueless

Hi Clueless,

You must be feeling pretty confused. It's really hard when you love and care for someone and they do something out of character that shakes your world.  

It would seem that the honesty, trust and faithfulness that you once shared has been shattered. Do you feel afraid to ask him to make a choice?

I am wondering if his behaviour is the behaviour of the man that you fell in love with? If it was how he behaved at first, would you have fallen in love with him? Was your relationship an exclusive one? If so, do your partner's recent decisions support an exclusive relationship?  

I think that you need to talk to him about your feelings - at the end of the day if your partner wishes to continue to have lunches and go to the beach with other women, are you okay with that? I guess not, otherwise you wouldn't be writing in!  

There are times when love must be tough: you may have to make some tough decisions if the way you are being treated by your partner continues.  

Have you ever discussed your expectations of the relationship? Have they changed? I think you and your partner have some talking to do and you need to consider what is an acceptable way for you to be treated by someone that you love.

If you continue to tolerate his behaviour the feelings that it will evoke will eventually destroy your relationship because ultimately you have already decided that this is not okay. I wonder if you just needed confirmation of what you already know. When considering strategies to explore your future, you could invite your partner to have a few sessions of counselling to see if you are still wanting the same things.  

Thanks, 

Louise 

For more advice and information on counselling, visit Relationships Aotearoa online or join them on Facebook.

We'd love to hear your take on this week's issue. Before you comment below, though, remember that this is a real-life situation. This reader has bravely shared their personal life with you; please show them respect by refraining from hurtful or abusive comments.

- Stuff

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