Advice: I want him back

Last updated 05:00 23/01/2014

They split up but she still loves him and he's sending her the right signs. Should she wait? 

Send your questions to lifeandstyle@stuff.co.nz, and remember to include a nickname if you don't want to be identified.

Dear Life & Style, 

I'm stuck. 

The basic background to begin...

My partner and I split about five months ago after a four-and-a-half year relationship. In the end we just became too distant, too tired. We were too caught up in work and I felt as if he wasn't putting in any effort. If I'm honest it was a long time coming.  

I've moved out, found myself again and life is pretty good. We kept in contact after the initial break up as we separated all our belongings we had accumulated. 

As three months passed I attempted the 'no contact' thing which lasted two weeks max. 

Between then and now we've gone out with friends together, which ends in just having each other's company, him staying over at my new place and words from him such as "I still really care", "I miss you so much" and ultimately as if my heart wasn't shattered enough "I want to get back together, but I know it will be the same". How does he even know that?!

As odd as it sounds I can feel he is genuine and he wants the same too, but he has always followed his head and not his heart. We are both scared to take that step to move on or even begin to think about letting go. 

I'm keeping myself busy with work, friends and family. I'm feeling great but my head is spinning!  

Why am I stuck? Because deep down I still love him and I would get back with him if I had the chance. I just don't know how long or whether I even should hang around and wait for that day he may change his mind. 

I don't want to be that girl who waits for the guy who eventually finds someone else and she's left hating herself for the time and opportunities she's missed nor do I want to be that girl who turns her back and regrets not trying harder. 

Kind Regards, 

Confused 

Hi Confused, 

The breakup of any relationship is always difficult especially when it has been long term.  

You certainly have gone through the material separation, but I guess continuing to see each other has caused the physical and emotional breakup to be hindered.  

Have you sought any help to address the issues that caused you to become distant and tired? Have you discussed the need to put in more effort to keep the spark in the relationship?  

You said that your decision was a long time coming? What do you think would be different if you got back together? 

I'm picking up on some hurt feelings that you have over him saying he 'wanted to get back together but he knows that things will be the same'.

At the end of the day there is always the chance that things could be better if you are both willing to make some changes and seek some help to sort through your issues. But, on the other hand, what is it that continues to pull you toward him when you know that the break up was a 'long time coming'?

It feels like you have two choices: 1) you discuss with your ex the possibility of getting back together and putting in some effort to address the issues that caused you to separate. If he is not interested in doing that then you need to, 2) make a decision for yourself about your own future.

I hear loud and clear that you don't want to be the girl that waits for the guy who finds someone else. Both choices will be difficult, but if he decides that he really doesn't want to get back together and you continue your physical relationship, will that support you to make the break or keep you emotionally engaged and leave you vulnerable to becoming the woman that waits for the guy and misses other opportunities? 

All the best with your decision making, 

Louise

For more advice and information on counselling, visit Relationships Aotearoa online or join them on Facebook.

We'd love to hear your take on this week's issue. Before you comment below, though, remember that this is a real-life situation. This reader has bravely shared their personal life with you; please show them respect by refraining from hurtful or abusive comments.

- © Fairfax NZ News

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