One reason why I love January are the many predictions for the year ahead.
Checking out The Knot, I can plainly see that their recent layout change shows they've run out of things to talk about.
It looks suspiciously like they've taken their inspiration from Pinterest - very square-thumbnaily, and as if it couldn't get more picture-heavy, holy broadband Batman, heaven help you if you have a slow server.
Apparently there are six new trends to watch out for this year.
When I say watch out, upon reading this article I mean to say, 'Watch out!'
Trend #1 - Living table numbers.
Not like a cool little terrarium with a table number propped up among the succulents (which I still think is gwargeous), but actual people holding table numbers.
So let me get this straight.
You rock up to the reception after the ceremony and, instead of looking for an overly-thought-out centrepiece on tables, you see a person holding a fricken number. And that's what they're there for. A person has been employed to dress up, like a ballerina, a statue or like the fricken cast of Yo Gabba Gabba and they hold a number.
You know what? Even if you have money to absolutely burn... Sorry... I just have to go make a cup of tea, I can't believe I'm writing about this.
* two hours later *
Sweet Jesus, we're only up to number two...
Trend #2 - Suspended wedding cakes
I can deal with those cheese wheel wedding 'cake' stacks, I can deal with cupcake 'cakes', I will even accept wedding cakes in the life-size shape of the bride.
But this, this needs an investigation by WorkSafe.
Kaley Cuoco had this upside down chandelier wedding cake and it looks like something her cray-cray twin Amanda Bynes would envisage.
The Knot says 'Instead of a traditional cake table wedding cakes will float in the air suspended in different creative ways.'
You know why I like wedding cakes on a wedding cake table instead of floating in the air?
Wedding cakes are begging to be on Funniest Home Videos, and this one sends my anxiety into the stratosphere.
And instead of your guests relaxing and having a good time and fawning over you, the bride, they'll be keeping one eye on this suspended (Criss) Angel food cake, waiting for it to hit the deck.
You are tempting fate and Murphy's Law loves this kind of 'will it or won't it' moment.
Also, how do you cut this?
Trend #3 - Multiple engagement rings
This does look very pretty but for many of us, I'd hate to fork out for this many diamonds on a trend.
Engagement rings have always been the fun younger sister of the wedding band, which is usually quite demure, and these stacked rings actually look like a bunch of eternity rings.
Would I accept something like this? I love things that are stacked up like this, I think it's eclectic and something that's my style, stacked rings are made up of more than one. And I'm cautious enough with my two rings (I haven't an eternity ring), let along a stacked band of four.
Secretly, if you have a stacked band, I'm insanely jealous.
Trend #4 - Prickly centrepieces
OK, now we're talking.
The Knot says that the cactus will take over the succulent trend.
I don't think it will. There. I said it.
Unless you're having a Breaking Bad or Día de Muertos themed wedding (where a cactus would look amaze), cacti can look harsh and thorny where smooth and supple succulents, while hinting at the ancient-looking cactus (some are actually cacti), they don't look as mean and ouchy. Unless they have a pair of those googly eyes on, amirite?
And if you have cousin-in-laws like mine, by the end of the night there will inevitably be some kind of booze/cactus injury sustained.
Trend #5 - Picnic-style reception seating
There is a right way to do outside, low-key, picnic-style wedding receptions.
I recently went to one where it was like an outdoor Sunday festival, booths to grab a drink from (and a slather of sunscreen), a booth to pick up some seafood paella, a light blessed breeze (it was pushing 40 degrees) and gwwargeous festival-inspired paper puff balls strung up between the trees. The bride, a casual, barefoot masterpiece of a girl, and her vested new husband got it bang-on right.
Because of chairs.
This picnic-style of literally having a rug on the grass? I don't care how full of deliciousness that accompanying picnic basket is. I can't perch myself on the ground like that for longer than a few minutes before my posture sinks to that of a 15-year-old emo kid with advanced scoliosis. I have knees. I'm wearing a dress. I may be wearing a cool pair of flats but did Aunty Mary and your nightclub-loving younger sister have the foresight to leave the heels at home?
And it's not just about sitting down, it's about getting back up again.
Sure, I hear your 'but Margherita Missoni' but what you don't see in those to-die-for photos are the people who weren't even a bit tipsy who, once plonked on a (gorgeous Missoni) rug, had to write off the rest of the day because there was no way of getting back up on their feet again. (Maybe this could be the one and only reason to have those living table number people.)
I love weddings, I know the work that goes into these damn things, but if I knew that people were leaving early because of the discomfort that comes with a lack of chairs?
Trend #6 - Pretty phone charging stations
Now this. This I love.
It doesn't even have to be pretty.
Phone charging stations are genius. It could've saved me from rushing back next door to our hotel from my friend's wedding reception so I could get a selection of chargers for our table.
Now, a disclaimer.
There are those that are either right into 'unplugged' weddings or fully embrace social media.
Generally, I am the latter and the wedding I was at was definitely a social media-friendly one.
But I also believe you can't make your own rules at a wedding. If the bride doesn't want you tagging, tweeting and Instagramming at her ceremony or reception, honour it. Put the phone away.
If she thinks it's OK, but only during certain times (like after speeches or only once the dancing starts), again, observe her wishes.
But even if you're at a social media OK wedding, if you get in the way of the photographer, you deserve the stink-eye.
I see mobile charging stations are just an extension of the bathroom supplies basket that is sometimes provided at weddings. You know, you thought you just went to the bathroom to reapply your lippie (or have a sit down if you're at a picnic wedding) and there it is, the haul of free stuff such as tissues, sunscreen, tampons, condoms, mini sewing kits, Band Aids, lip balm, mouthwash and aspirin (you name it, you could really do your weekly shop with one of these things).
If I saw one at a wedding reception, I would do a surreptitious fist-pump.
If you don't like it, don't have it, but if The Knot are on-point with this trend, you're going to see a lot more of them.
- Daily Life
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