My obsession with trashy TV and all things wedding-related collide in the show Don't Tell the Bride.
Have you seen it? It's where the show gives the groom $40,000-ish to plan a dream wedding for him and his partner, except the wedding-obsessed fiancé(e) doesn't get a say.
So they (usually the groom) pick out the ceremony location, reception, catering, transport, entertainment - and even the dress/outfit. All of this with the help of his "trusty" best man as support. Mmm, disaster.
It is cringeworthy "reality" TV at its best so you can imagine my excitement when I saw the news that the show is coming to Aussie. (So far they've been mainly based in the UK and US.)
While you kind of assume that it all works out rosily in the end, and that the bride would have briefed the groom on all the things he's NOT allowed to do, it almost never works out that way.
(I saw an episode where the whole wedding almost got called off when the groom thought it would be hi-LAR-ious to cut about 100 people from the list and pay for six rellies to come witness the wedding, cutting some immediate family members out because he "couldn't afford it". Painful.)
The surprising aspect of it is how much the bride relaxes at the end and reflects on her random-themed wedding, wearing a dress she initially hated after a reception at the local rugby club or somewhere equally not "classy" as the castle she had envisioned.
It got me wondering what kind of wedding day we would have if I didn't get a say in anything, and future husband did it all.
Let us pretend:
Location - A beach. Doesn't matter if it rains, we'll just get wet. Doesn't matter that it's miles from anywhere, caterers will just serve cold food. Doesn't matter if it's high tide or there was nowhere to plug in microphones, lights etc. It's a beach! Let's go for a dive!
Dress - Something low-cut. Probably in a fabric that looks lovely on the hanger, not so much on my lumps and bumps.
Suit - Dapper as. Like, super nice. Thick wool, coz it looks awesome on the hanger. Doesn't feel so awesome in summer but that's OK, because it probably hasn't been considered and we can just all strip off. Nudie run!
Date - How's next Saturday? After my game of rugby but before the finals on Sky, which will be broadcast live, of course.
Flowers - Don't need 'em. Scrap them all.
Invites - Group txt message in conjunction with a Facebook event. Allow family to fill in others who maybe don't txt or aren't on Facebook.
Food - lots of it. Everything. All the foods. At once. Food, food, food. Every single type of meat known available that man can consume.
Booze - see: food. But replace the word "food" with "booze".
Music - Loud. And long. Lots of shouty swears.
Ceremony - short. "Do you, take so-and-so yada yada DONE! Let's pash!"
Rings - Burger Rings. Practical, aaaand delicious.
Photographer - everyone on their iPhones. Hipstamatic app if we wanted to be "arty".
Bridesmaids - in dresses they owned already because girls have too many clothes as it is.
Groomsmen - in blinging suits, with awesome accessories like cool cufflinks, nice shoes, all the bits that the sales lady up-sells him.
Hen's party - day spa. See! I can be romantic!
Stag do - all expenses paid trip for him and his closest 20 mates to Las Vegas. Uses around 60 per cent of the budget on it*.
Of course I'm taking the piss a bit. Future husband is actually quite in to wedding planning for a bloke, and puffs out his chest when he declares he did important things like picking a date (after I gave him two options) and choosing cupcakes over a big ol' wedding cake. Thanks, hun.
But it really is more of a girl thing, and that's cool. I would totally sign up for this show, though, if I had the option in NZ. Considering my dream day was to have a surprise wedding, and that's well and truly not on the agenda, I'm not too bothered about much anymore and who wouldn't say no to a free wedding**?
Would you go on a show like this? What kind of day would you have if your partner arranged the whole thing?
* Actually saw this in one episode. The bride hit the roof!
** OK so some people would, and I do get that. Especially if it's a "free" wedding that comes with conditions such as you must wear THIS dress, or use THIS photographer so no choice was available to the couple.
You can also email Greer here and share your wedding woes, feedback or questions.
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