Wedding woe: don't give me away!

22:54, Oct 24 2012

Hello team, how are we all going?

I'm feeling pretty proud of myself as I've done more wedding-related planning in the past week than I have in the past few months combined.

It certainly is easier having Beyonce around - even if it is just for having his calming presence telling me everything will be okay (and pouring me another CC and dry to unwind).

I keep telling people "never again". Meaning, never again will I attempt to plan a wedding with my partner 14,000km away for seven months. It's such good motivation to make a marriage work at all costs knowing I'd rather not go through this wedding planning shizz again (and I don't plan to either!).

More on the latest plans, issues and debates in next week's posts but today's wedding woe comes from "Torn":

My parents separated when I was young and they dislike each other with a passion. 


My mother raised us kids with minimal input (monetary or otherwise) from my father. I still talk to my father once a month or so, much to my mother's displeasure.

Anyway, I don't want my father to walk me down the aisle because I feel that would be an insult to my mother (also, she has made it pretty clear that she would be insulted).

However, I also don't want my mother to walk me down the aisle because I want my wedding to be fairly traditional and it might insult my father.

I thought maybe my grandfather but unsure. I have been pretty independent ever since I moved out of home.

I've had some pretty difficult times and often when I try to turn to either parent for advice, they just respond that they can't give me any money or they can't help, even though advice is what I was needing.

I guess you could say my parents have taken a pretty standoffish approach to parenting since I left home.

For that reason, I am considering walking down the aisle myself. Would that be weird? Would it be an insult to everyone? To be honest I don't really feel like anyone should be giving me away because I don't feel like I'm anyone's to give.

I give myself to my partner because that's what I want to do and at the end of the day, he's the only one who has really been there

Please help!



I think you should absolutely walk down the aisle by yourself - I love this idea!

I've seen a few people do this in recent weddings I've been stalking (online, not in person).

There's no way that it would be an "insult to everyone". Marriage has changed over the years and it is no longer (usually) the norm that a "family" is handing over their prized possession - their "daughter" - to be "owned" by another person - "the groom" - anymore.

If my father wasn't able to walk me down the aisle, I'd totally consider doing it by myself. I think it is a beautiful gesture for your husband-to-be to look up and see the love of his life standing there, alone, ready for him to declare his love to. Ahh, see I'm getting a bit misty-eyed just thinking about it now! 

I think your idea of having your grandfather walk you is also a fantastic idea and a very diplomatic one to avoid offending your parents.

You should definitely talk to your father about this though. Family dynamics are different in each whanau but it would be worth finding out (I think) if this is one of those occasions that your Dad has always dreamed of. You might also want to consider whether your father (or mother) speaks as your family representative at speech time. 

One thing I am passionate about: despite your parents' dislike for each other, they are your parents, and I hope that you will include them in your day in some way - both of them. Don't let your mother steamroll the relationship you have with your father, no matter how fraught it is. You will only regret it in the years to come. 

Has anyone else walked down the aisle alone and have any advice to pass on to Torn about how not to 'offend' people with this decision? I think most guests would think this was totally OK as all their eyes will be on you anyway!

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