Wedding woe: With this ring
Happy Monday! Hope you had a great weekend...
Here's today's wedding woe. F asks:
May I just say very quickly - your photos are amazing, and fantastic memories of a wonderful day. I love reading your blog, and have done even while I wasn't engaged - and now that I am (recently) engaged, am overwhelmed with people's expectation that I know when and where and how I want to get married - I'm just happy with the promise of commitment from my lad! I know I shouldn't be so ungrateful, but let me get my tongue around him being my fiance.
However, I do have a query/woe... Amongst all of my "dreams" of how things were going to happen, I expected that my fiance would wear a ring. My actual fiance doesn't wear any jewellery and because he works in an agricultural job, I wouldn't expect him to wear a ring day in and day out. However, he is baulking at me sliding a ring on, on our wedding day (goodness knows when that will be). Am I being a bit zilla-ish already in thinking that's a little unreasonable, or should I be more amenable, and have something different? He is very traditional, and I am (more or less) as well, so thought that his ring would be a given for one day.
Would be great to hear your thoughts, or anyone else's, pretty please.
Thanks for this question! It's a great one that I'm pretty sure a few people have had to grapple with at some stage.
The "ring" issue can be a hard one to negotiate.
There tend to be a few categories: men who wear their wedding ring every day from the day they get it, men who wear it on occasion but not always (can be for work/safety reasons), and men who refuse to wear it at all, ever.
What I think is not so cut-and-dried is the reasoning behind each of these categories.
For example, those who refuse to wear one ever aren't always ones who, like your fiancé, have never worn jewellery so therefore can't imagine starting to now.
Mr Greer never wore jewellery but wears his wedding ring every day - only taking it off when his line of work requires it.
However, there are men who just never want to wear them. My father, for example, never wore a wedding ring and to me it was always quite normal. I never asked Mum how she felt about it but it just was what it was.
I guess what you need to do is work out his reasoning as to why he doesn't want to wear a ring.
Does he not like the look/feel of them? Solution: ask him to humour you and go along and try some on. They will feel SO odd to him but often they'll change their mind as to what feels good. Mr Greer wanted quite a chunky ring but ended up going for a thinner band.
Does he not like the symbolism? Does he feel as though it'll be a little handcuff on his left hand? Solution: Explain the tradition, get to the root of his issue and what he really doesn't want. Does he not want the outside world to define him by a bit of metal on his hand?
He's following his own tradition? Solution: Maybe the men in his family never wore wedding rings so for him it's not a big deal? Ask around the family.
Failing all this, I think he's being relatively unreasonable in not wanting to conduct the ring-swapping part of the ceremony if this is something important for you.
Even if he doesn't want to wear the ring, the promises made during the exchange are the reasoning for the entire day - so maybe you could try and explain that?
It's about give and take - and I don't think you're being bridezilla-ish about it at all!
What do you reckon? Any advice for F?