How to grow a marriage

BY DIANA DEKKER

Marriage - it's hard work, says relationships expert and author Ian Grant, but investment in it can be the best you make.

Grant says you "marry the person you love and two years later you love the person you marry". He also says "commitment is not a swear word", "half an hour of pleading for sex is not foreplay for a woman", "men want to see women physically naked and women want to see men emotionally naked", and "women want to be listened to, not rescued".

The book Grant wrote with wife Mary, Growing Great Marriages, is full of pithy, amusing slogans, but it's long enough to make marriage seem like hard work.

"Marriage is hard work," he says from the outset.

Grant is 70. He and Mary married when she was 19 and he was 26, so they have a proud track record. Over 15 years, they have written books about parenting, and given parenting and relationship seminars to nearly 200,000 people.

"We're two beggars telling other beggars where to find the bread," he says.

Grant says he was in his mid-40s when he came to the realisation that investing in his marriage was the best investment he could make.

"Men cherish what they invest in." He sees it paying off, long term, in his happy family of three adult children and nine grandchildren.

Grant believes marriage is coming back into fashion, if slowly. He read an Australian newspaper article recently that showed an increase in marriage "for the first time in years - I think 2.3 per cent, but it was an increase".

"Great marriage," he says optimistically, "is the black of fashion."

He thinks people may be getting married younger - not a bad thing, he says. Studies have shown that when couples delay marriage, they are likely to get used to independence. "The longer you live independently, it's sometimes difficult to be inter- dependent."

In the couple's parenting courses, they regularly come across professional women in their late 30s who may have a wonderful job, and their own personal assistant, then have a baby and find parenting very difficult without help and family support.

There are also advantages for men marrying earlier.

Men, he says, "hide" in the crowd, attending courses. But they are, often in their 20s, increasingly there. "Often older guys are looking for a mother rather than a wife."

Apart from the happiness of partners, "statistics show that marriage protects children from being abused".

Young people may be wary of marriage because of a fear that they will repeat the past. "But there's no proof if your parents are alcoholic you will be, or if your parents are divorced that you will be a divorce-aholic."

He's all for love - "Love is a decision, not a feeling" - and he's all for romantic love, which is sometimes, he notes, looked askance at for being shallow. He quotes the work of a seasoned marriage counsellor whose clients were still divorcing after counselling. "He discovered we're all looking for romantic love."

Unfortunately, in practice, "the guy woos her and then relaxes and the romance slackens off. His romantic love should get better as he gets older. Romantic love should be part of deep, committed love."

An example of practising romantic love? "I often say to men in our seminars that it is not smart to arrive home and after parking the car in the garage go straight to your workbench and check out an unfinished project. It is far better to open the door and call out something like, "Where is the most amazing woman in the world?" Your wife's desire for connection will respond to the warmth of the greeting. She may say something like, "Not that line again", but she will love you for it. "We all want someone who is our cheerleader. People will often walk across the feelings of parents and friends for romantic love. Some people can walk it but not talk it."

Aren't a lot of his ideas common sense? "Common sense is not very common today."

Ten top tips for a tip-top marriage

* Know you're committed no matter what. Say, "We're going to work this out". In the hard times you really grow.

* You're their cheerleader. You always believe in them no matter what and help them develop.

* Women are significant in the first half of a marriage and successful in the second. Men are successful in the first half and significant in the second. Listen to each other.

* Have dreams and plans for the future. Build a life together to take time for each other.

* Treat each other as tops and be satisfied investing in what you have.

* Fancying each other is a good reason to get married. People who are sexually in love are kinder to each other.

* Never use sex as a bargaining chip. Tragically, men like sex more than women.

* Show acts of love rather than just talking about it. There are blue and pink jobs in the house. When he does a pink job, it's an act of love.

* It's not how you love, it's how you fight. Conflict is like a cancer.

* One of the biggest issues is stress - everyone is so busy. Look at how you can reduce it.

* Growing Great Marriages: 100s of practical strategies for bringing out the best in your marriage, by Ian and Mary Grant. Random House, $37.99.

- © Fairfax NZ News