Men 'misunderstood' by women

We don't mean to be annoying, we're just misunderstood. MATT RUDD explains male logic in seven classic areas of marital conflict.

One of the most popular reasons for seeking divorce, if popular is the right word (which it isn't), is behaviour.

This suggests two things we probably knew already. One, men behave badly, and two, a lot of women don't work this out until a few months, or even years, after they've cantered down the aisle.

There appears to be a worrying knowledge gap, but, with a bit of schooling, I can close it. I can explain why we behave badly - or, more accurately, why you think we're behaving badly when, actually, our behaviour is perfectly understandable and logical. To us.

Allow me to pick seven universal areas of classic male "bad" behaviour - the areas that excite the divorce lawyers - and attempt to demonstrate that (a) the behaviour really isn't bad at all, and (b) our hearts are in the right place. Thus enlightened, you will be more tolerant of our foibles and the world will be a happier place. Next week, world poverty: the solution.

Remembering things:

There is a proper scientific reason why we can't remember things you want us to remember. Even though a woman's brain is 10 per cent smaller than a man's, it has less grey matter and more white matter. White matter is much more efficient at remembering stuff. Grey matter is better for remaining fascinated by tediously repetitive Xbox games. It's genetic, OK?

What you should remember is that not remembering isn't necessarily malicious. We forget to say "I love you". We forget birthdays. We forget why we've been sent to the supermarket. This doesn't mean we don't love you, don't enjoy birthdays or have no interest in acquiring the things you wanted from the shops. It's simply all that grey matter.

Map-reading:

"This is definitely the way."

"Why don't we just stop and ask someone?"

"Because this is definitely the way."

"Well, we've been through this village already."

"We have not."

"Have."

What's wrong here, ladies? No, it's not male stubbornness. It's you. You and your lack of sympathy. We know we're lost. Of course we know that. But we are proud, simple creatures. You know that. We know that. To admit we are lost is deeply humiliating. It's the vehicular equivalent of erectile dysfunction. What's important is that we are allowed to drive around in circles until we work out where we're going by a process of luck and elimination. And never, ever say: "I told you we should have stopped and asked." Just accept us as the idiots we are. You will be showered with gratitude and possibly even acceptable birthday presents - if we remember the date, which, sadly, we won't.

Does my bum look big in this?

This is perhaps the most unfair of all marital fallings-out. You cannot seriously expect a man to go shopping all day in an overheated shopping centre full of sweaty, boring people, and stand, sometimes for hours, outside a changing room, shrugging sadly at other sweaty, bored men, while you try on 19 pairs of identical trousers and ask "Does my bum look big in this?" every time.

In my long, painful experience of trying to answer this fiendish question, I have yet to work out the correct response. If we answer truthfully ("Not especially, I think they're fine"), you become despondent because we're not being positive enough. If we answer very truthfully ("I don't care what your bum looks like, can we please go home now?"), you become enraged. If we lie ("Oh my God, they're perfect. Your bum looks minuscule"), you become suspicious and ask a supplementary question, such as: "You're just saying that so we can go home, aren't you?" And the nervous flicker of our eyes in response finds us out. And you make us go to a whole new shop. Aargh.

Don't take us shopping. We love you whatever you're wearing. As long as it's slutty, but in a classy way. And we weren't involved in its purchase.

DIY and why it's not our fault

BI (Before Ikea), men could do DIY. Ish. Now we still think we can, but anything requiring something more complicated than an allen key involves skills that were lost with the arrival of the flatpack Swedes. Ask us about oxbow lakes, Pythagoras's theorem or which Lethal Weapon starred Patsy Kensit's breasts and we can tell you in a flash. Ask us how to put a Rawlplug into a nonstructural wall and we can still tell you, but we'll be wrong.

The important point here is that we are enthusiastic. Each year, the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents (RoSPA) publishes alarming statistics, usually just before a bank-holiday weekend, on how many men do gory things to themselves in the pursuit of basic DIY. This year, the top tools involved in accidents were: knives and scalpels (resulting in 20,000 A&E visits); saws (15,000); and, most teeth-grittingly, grinders (6500). "Overambition and lack of knowledge," the RoSPA says, "are among the main causes of DIY accidents." But are these not the lovable characteristics that made you fall for us in the first place? Can you not award points for effort as well as ability? Please?

Films with explosions in them

You should, by now, be getting some sense of the paranoia, the stress, the suffering, that men have to go through in order to perform the daily tasks required of them in a relationship. We need time to relax and unwind.

You do this by repeating, over and over again, the yogic mantra "Please can I have a back rub?". We do this by watching films with explosions in them. We don't mind if you don't want to watch them. We don't even mind having to watch them on the little television in the bedroom so that you can watch the bloody Apprentice.

Just don't make us watch your films, your period films with their plots and bodices and horses and sad bits. Because we might cry, and men never cry. That would involve facing our emotions, and then where would we be? Let's move on, quickly.

Sex and frequency thereof

Little and often, not a lot occasionally. As with remembering things, there are scientific reasons for this, and they're beyond our control.

Looking at other women

Also science. Also beyond our control. Men and women, according to Joe Quirk, the author of It's Not You, It's Biology, have opposing reproductive agendas. Women take 29.5 days to produce one egg, which, if inseminated, consigns them to nine months of pregnancy, followed by months and years of breastfeeding.

Men, on the other hand, take a few seconds to produce 300 million sperm. Look at bison, birds, apes, your dog. Mostly, you see slutty males and picky females. Modern man, Silvio Berlusconi excepted, has moved on from the apes in every respect but two: we still leave the seat up and we still check out other women.

 And we pay for both those things dearly. Overall, you win. And we rest our case. 

- © Fairfax NZ News