Love online

It's a hard road finding the perfect woman – or man, for that matter – but as an information highway, the internet is becoming the chosen path for many to meet their match.

EMMA GOODWIN looks to see whether online daters are getting a rough ride or the journey is smoother than you think.

The guy in front of you at the bank could be doing it, or the girl who served you coffee this morning, or even the nurse who took your blood sample, or the accountant who has just asked for your GST receipts.

They could all be doing it. In fact, they could all be doing it with each other.

Internet dating is being used more and more as a means of finding the man or woman of your dreams. It is quickly losing its oddball label and becoming an acceptable way to find a partner.

Many are finding it a great way to meet people, because they work long hours, are new to a town and don't know anyone, or are just too busy to get to social functions and find a partner the old-fashioned way.

There is also the group of people who, after many years of marriage, find themselves single and the thought of going out and making small talk, as the foreplay to dating, just seems terrifying. Then there is the group who are very shy and find conversing straight off with a living, breathing person too heart-racingly terrifying to even contemplate.

There are many dating sites online, with some having a better reputation than others.

Some are more a means for picking up partners for casual sex and, when an innocent first-timer signs up, they can be a little taken aback by the number of photos of body parts, which rarely include the face, that are sent their way accompanied by suggestions of what the recipient could do with that body part.

If this is the first and only experience of internet dating, it can leave a nasty impression, and the person is unlikely to dip their toe in the water again.

There are other sites that are a little less open, shall we say, and it's not hard to recognise them. They're the ones that don't have naked breasts pop up the minute you load the home page.

In a somewhat less-than-scientific research poll among a few people who admit to using internet dating sites, it would appear that the most popular dating sites for New Zealanders to find the love of their lives are Matchmaker, NZDating and Findsomeone.

"Neither one nor the other is better. It just depends on your personal preference," says John, who has used all of them at one time.

A successful businessman, John was looking to build a social network of friends, so he looked to the internet as a means of meeting like-minded people.

"I joined several sites, not knowing anything about any of them. Actually, I wasn't looking to date anyone. I just wanted the social interaction, as I found myself in a small town with most of my friends in the UK."

Sooner rather than later, John refined his search technique and stuck to Findsomeone, where he did eventually meet his partner, Denise.

"But we didn't `date' as such. We met through interaction on the message boards, and then finally met face to face at a Findsomeone event."

While John has had a pleasant experience with internet dating, others have not been quite so lucky.

Mark, a very confident real estate agent, is one who became disillusioned quickly with the prospect of finding the woman of his dreams on the internet.

"I tried it for a few months, but after several coffee dates and finding out that the people I was meeting were so very different from their online personas, I gave it away.

"You learn quickly that people can make themselves out to be so much more than they actually are."

Both men say that if you keep your wits about you and don't place all your faith in finding the love of your life online, the experience can be life-changing, for better or for worse.

"I joined the site and it fulfilled everything I wanted with the social interaction aspect. Denise is the cherry on the top," says John.

Match made on the net

Denise and John met through Findsomeone, but both had joined the website for very different reasons, and had very different experiences.

"I first joined the site in 2003, and it was a very different beast then," says Denise. "I met someone online and we carried out an on-again, off-again long-distance relationship."

When it started to approach the five-year mark, Denise realised it was not fulfilling her needs and ended it.

"I then went back online, really just to be communicating with people.

"I wanted to get out more and stop wallowing."

Denise enjoyed posting on the Findsomeone message boards, enjoying the interaction with a group of people without any romantic involvement.

"Then a member had a birthday party and I went along to that, saw John there and recognised his name from the boards, but we didn't chat at that point."

John says he had admired Denise from afar.

"I had read a lot of what she had posted on the message boards and liked the way she thought, and I was disappointed that we didn't get to chat when we were at that event."

But a few weeks later, at another event in November last year, the two met up, and the rest is history.

"We've been nigh on inseparable since," says John.

The couple are now living together in Levin, after Denise moved from Wellington in August.

Surnames withheld by request.

Another avenue in quest for a partner

Sarah calls herself a reasonably confident person, and had never considered the internet as a means of finding a partner.

"To be honest, and quite blunt, I thought it was for losers who would buy a bride from the Philippines or Ukraine, or for people who were socially inept. I don't fit into either category."

But after a girlfriend suggested she check out a particular site, one wet Saturday afternoon the curiosity and boredom got the better of her.

"I found myself looking through profiles of some very interesting-sounding men. It felt a bit like online shopping," Sarah laughs.

So she signed up.

"Within a few hours I had five messages, and was chatting online to one of them."

Sarah says she likes to meet up with people quite quickly.

"While that doesn't work for a lot of people, I don't see the point in beating around the bush.

"I talk to them on the phone as soon as possible and if there's a connection, I'll meet them for coffee. That way no unnecessary time gets wasted."

Sarah has been out on several dates and has met some interesting people, but has not yet cemented a relationship.

There have been a couple of what she describes as oddballs, but overall she has been impressed with the men she has met up with.

"I thought there was one man who had the potential to be a `keeper' but it wasn't to be, so it's back to the drawing board or, more specifically, the computer screen."

She says it's a good idea to not put your whole faith in internet sites to find a partner, but rather use it as another means of meeting people.

"I am under no illusions. I know the chances of meeting Mr Perfect online are pretty slim, but the odds are about the same for the local pub.

"And anyway, Clive Owen is already married."

Surname withheld by request.

- © Fairfax NZ News