REVIEW: It was Tamati’s fault in NZGT 5 last night; he shouldn’t have let so many pretenders on the stage.

“Tension is going through the roof,” said Tamati Coffey.

How can there be tension when the three judges utter “yes” when they should patently be saying “leave this minute”?

Rachel Hunter imparted three “amazings” last night and just one “awesome”.

There was a glut of 14-year-olds, as if there weren’t any grown-ups left in New Zealand. The brats either shouldn’t be allowed out after dark or until their adult teeth erupt or told, “get home before your mum twigs’’.

The producers squished 20 acts into the hour and no more than four should have survived.

There was even a 9-year-old sprog with her dog Pickle.

Next time I’m going to lug my budgie, Twitter, on  stage. This might have been a talent quest in the Hakataramea Hall.

A dance group won’t win this thing but a break-dance crew who came up with a mix of moon-walking, kapa haka and Irish at least passed muster.

Kylie Price, 18, from Dunedin not only sings in the shower but had us believe she sings in supermarket aisles.

She had a great voice which Beyonce would have been proud of, more personality than Ali the judge from UB40. But Kylie really must cover those thighs.

Dudley Fairbrass from Darfield with a beanie didn’t exactly dress up for the occasion. But the singer-guitarist tidily imparted Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah.

A Glendowie 17-year-old was too scruffy by half. The judges said his voice singing Blackbird by the Beatles sounded odd; indeed, it came out like a blackbird being pursued by a rabid magpie.

Alfred the Circus Nerd from Raglan got through. He balanced upon pieces of junk while combing his slicked locks. A rat up a drainpipe would have been more gripping.

And wait for it, a magician produced a dove out of his hanky, and then dropped the bloody dove.

Clara van Wel from Blenheim, sang her own folksy song about love nicely indeed. Yes, she too was only 14 so perhaps mum backstage told her about the love bit.

She kept tapping her guitar as if she was trying to keep the cockroach quiet.

Tariana Turia fronted up screeching like a banshee. No it wasn’t the TT front-bencher we see on the telly.

Yep, another 14-year-old.

- © Fairfax NZ News

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