OPINION: If I didn't laugh I'd cry.
Of an evening you can usually find me in front of the television news snorting with the intensity of a cocaine addict.
When I see our very own "Keystone Cops" in action, I cackle and wheeze, and annoy the hell out of those within earshot, who still somehow cling to the vain hope that this Government gives a flying frittata about the citizens it has sworn to represent. Us.
Over the past few weeks there have been three such examples worthy of retelling.
If ever you needed a reminder why this country is so messed up then feel free to relive these highlights with me.
Remember to breathe deeply and laugh heartily. What other survival mechanism do you really have?
Take Tau Henare and the parliamentary toilet cleaners.
It was the look on his face that really said it all. The "how dare you ask me that" glare.
The reporter asked how he felt about a submitter who, when commenting to a select committee on employment reforms, said being paid $14.10 per hour was impossible to manage on. She cleaned around 130 toilets during a shift, and just travelling to and from work cost her $100 a week. After he pulled his dial back into something resembling a shape, he angrily replied. "Here's the question - if she doesn't want the job, give it to somebody else that wants the job."
Folks, that right there is the true face of capitalism. In all its freaking glory. Gorgeous, don't you think?
Henare has since apologised. After seeing his own hateful mug on the box I guess he figured the odds and knew he really had to.
I hope he gives the cleaner a second thought next time he plonks down on his sparkling clean porcelain throne. More likely? He doesn't really give a shekel, then flushes.
Simon Bridges is seriously a bridge too far. I like to think that I keep up with what's happening within the halls of power. However, I must admit to only just finding out about something way past hilarious.
Regarding the prospect of deep-water oil drilling off the coast of Kaikoura, Campbell Live wanted to talk to Bridges in his capacity as the Minster of Energy and Resources. Unsurprisingly, he didn't want to talk back.
A better cheerleader for oil and gas you will never find. Much of his time is spent plotting which part of the country to flog off to which oil company next, and calling anyone who disagrees with him mean names. Now, I don't know if anyone has told him but there's recent, and rather robust, international scientific consensus out that says continuing to extract fossil fuels means the end of life on the planet as we know it. You know, given it's the single biggest contributor to climate change and all.
But wait. He must know that. Turns out he is also the Associate Minister for Climate Change.
Not only does this put the wind up me, it puts the whole tornado, hurricane, cyclone and typhoon up there as well. I'm rotating as we speak.
Speaking of wind, does the prospect of your money going to another America's Cup challenge float your boat?
As if $36 million wasn't enough to secure failure, the Government, who rightly criticised Labour for initially pledging the money, has now decided it is "open" to providing further funding for another bid.
Yes, a remarkable turnaround when one considers John Key once said, "a sport that spends as much time practising as it does in the courtroom is a bit tiresome for everyone".
After Team New Zealand's epic loss, and reading the public mood, Mr Key sends Steven Joyce to the puke-making ceremony on the Auckland waterfront to welcome the team home.
"This country and this Government stands ready to be part of the next America's Cup challenge," he opined. Like it's a world war we're off to, or Christchurch post-earthquake.
Nah, it's much more serious than that. It's a boat race!
The constant rabbiting on about it being a "good investment", because it "brings in the tourists" and "showcases" New Zealand, leaves me as cold as a wet weekend in Brighton.
Capitalism talks a lot about "trickle down". The Rugby World Cup had hugely inflated figures designed to suck us into its vortex. As predicted, they have proved false, and the stadiums built to accommodate the event are now huge albatrosses around the necks of certain local bodies.
I'm glad we failed (with a capital F) in our bid to win the Auld Mug. Imagine the money we'd be all be contributing to Auckland's waterfront.
Call me old-fashioned but I prefer my tax dollars to go on silly things like hospitals, schools and essential infrastructure. I'm funny like that.
Just not as funny as the nightly news.
- © Fairfax NZ News