It's time to dish out those Podsy awards

Well, as the year ends, it's a great opportunity to look back and, given my article a few weeks ago about my distaste for sports awards, I thought it only suitably contradictory I continue with the 2012 version of the prestigious, irreverent, risky and potentially offensive awards known as the Podsys.

Now I know the awards are purely fictionalised representations of the inner workings of the mind of a cricketing madman, but if the Podsy award actually had a statue, I would picture it to be something akin to a Buddhist statue with a cricket bat. Drum roll please, and the winners are:

I prefer cork award - Ross Taylor. As somewhat of a wine connoisseur, I am sure our long- time Manawatu player and now former Black Cap captain is a cork man. However, after recent happenings I get the feeling he would be even more anti the alternative to cork, you know, getting screwed from the top.

The Elvis Presley and Quentin Pongia medal for most likely to be cited - Reigning champion Bryn Templeman retains this award, easily!

Best performance of the year - Has to be the annihilation of Taranaki in the first round of the Hawke Cup at Pukekura Park.

The home side had been talking up the batting wicket all week, but an hour and 40 minutes after facing the first ball of the game from Manawatu quick Bevan Small, Taranaki were preparing to take the field after being bundled out for a record low score of 35.

No-one could remember the last time when any team was beaten outright in one day and left the much-vaunted Taranaki batting lineup wondering "what the hell just happened?".

Best derogatory name for a type of cricketer award- Cricket is nothing if a game designed for the purpose of sledging. To some it is the dark, murky side of the game to be frowned upon, but sledging has always been a form of pure joy to me.

It's truly the one part of the game I miss in my retirement.

Plenty of derogatory names have been given to players to enable the opposition to gain a mental edge (or at the very least provide amusement and break up the tedium of a long day in the field).

Far rarer is the sledge a batsman can successfully pull off against a bowler who leaves them so demoralised and upset, they lose the plot.

But I think my beauty from a few years ago is still the best on show in this category. Calling a leg-spin bowler who doesn't actually turn the ball Zoolander, the character in the movie of the same name who famously couldn't turn left, is in my mind, comedic and sledging genius.

Let's hope that this sledge catches on and becomes common cricketing vernacular so I don't have to continue to plug it shamelessly in next year's Podsy Awards.

Timbuk 3 award - Adam Milne, Arana Noema-Barnett, Hannah Rowe, Whetu Na Nagara and Reuben Harris. Nothing to do with the fact Timbuk 3 were one-hit wonders but in reference to the title of their hit song The Future's So Bright (I Gotta Wear Shades).

This will be a two-part awards list, so next week when you're tanning your bloated summer belly, be sure to grab the Manawatu Standard to check out the rest of the 2012 Podsy awards.

Manawatu Standard