Escape from violence to self-esteem

BY MAIKE VAN DER HEIDE

The day Donna Lippiatt came home and found her husband waiting for her with a bayonet, she knew she had to leave.

He greeted her and her children from a chair in the lounge.

"He sharpened it and and looked at us and rubbed his finger over it. Sharpened it again, rubbed his finger and looked at us ... we were so, so scared."

For 23 years of her 25 year marriage Ms Lippiatt endured verbal, emotional, physical and sexual abuse at the hands of her husband. "The odd slap" soon turned into full-on physical violence so bad that now Ms Lippiatt, just 57 years old, is paralysed from the waist down, can only use one arm, and now lives in a resthome.

She says a congenital condition has contributed to her life in a wheelchair, but the abuse, which included being kicked hard in the back, sped up the process.

Ms Lippiatt was 19 when she met her husband at a bar and she was 23 when they married. Soon after the birth of their first child, her husband began to control every aspect of her life, using put-downs and stripping away her self-esteem. He controlled whom she saw, what she said and what she did.

His anger came at any time, for any reason.

"What was right now was not right in the afternoon. You could get a thumping for something that you had done 15 years ago."

When friends visited, he changed.

"He used to act nice to our friends; he said, `Can I get you a coffee', and help look after the kids – until they went out the door. Friends that I told (about the abuse) did not believe me."

She says he had a fixation with guns and killing and had a room full of military weapons at their house. He often slept with a .303 rifle by their bed.

Ms Lippiatt had thought about leaving many times. But, like many abused women, she was scared. Scared of what would happen to her, but more scared of losing her four children. Her husband threatened to make her look like a bad mother so her children would be taken away. She couldn't let that happen.

But on that final Friday, Ms Lippiatt finally took the brave step that would free her from her dark world of abuse. She called a woman who had told her about Women's Refuge, and they came and took her and the children to safety. Women's Refuge called police. An officer told Ms Lippiatt that if she went back to her husband, she or one of her children would be killed. She didn't doubt it.

That first night with Women's Refuge Ms Lippiatt was given a cup of tea, a cuddle and a bed on which lay a tube of toothpaste, a face cloth, a piece of soap and a teddy bear. The small caring gestures meant the world to Ms Lippiatt. That night she slept better than she had in years.

For the first time she was among people who understood her situation and did not judge her for it.

She had often faced comments from people who knew her like, "I wouldn't let anyone do that to me," or "why don't you just leave". She would watch women in the street and silently wonder if they let themselves be treated the way she did.

Women's Refuge helped Ms Lippiatt secure a benefit and took her to a lawyer who got a protection order against her husband. They gave her clothes, food and medicines and then took her and her children to a refuge in Lower Hutt.

"They wanted Cook Strait between us and him."

Two months later the family returned to Blenheim and lived in a Women's Refuge house before getting a state house. Women's Refuge gave her blankets, pans and "stuff just to live" and helped put locks on the windows.

Since she escaped her violent home, Ms Lippiatt's journey has not been easy. She was hit by a car and claims she was sexually abused in her own room at the resthome – "I was devastated it happened to me a second time". The man arrested for the alleged abuse is still before the courts.

But she is determined to leave the horror behind.

Memories haunt her in quiet times so Ms Lippiatt keeps busy by knitting soft toys, making jewellery, writing and playing computer games.

She suffers traumatic shock syndrome and has trouble sleeping.

It took years and much support and guidance from Women's Refuge to realise the abuse was not her fault, something her husband had made her feel by breaking down her self-esteem.

"I learnt that I was not a bad person," she says. "I blamed myself because (I was made to feel) like I deserved it."

By telling her story, Ms Lippiatt wants to let abused women know there is help and hope.

"They can call Women's Refuge any time, 24/7, and they can come and pick you up.

"Just to have people care about you and understand what you're going through is like ... I describe them like a glue that glues back your shattered life together.

"If they had not called the police that day we would not be here. They saved our lives."

Marlborough Women's Refuge 24-hour crisis line is 5209999, email marlb-refuge@xtra.co.nz, website womensrefuge.org.nz. Donations can be made online or on 0900 REFUGE (733843).

- The Marlborough Express