Recognising past is catalyst for change

White Ribbon Day also has a dark side, one which health advocate Joe Puketapu believes sometimes gets glossed over.

"In my own experience, I'm no saint. There are things I've done that I'm not proud of. It's like dealing with a lot of ghosts. If you believe change is needed, you have to change yourself," he said.

"I was married for 15 years. I hit my wife a couple of times... mental and verbal abuse. It got to a point I had to recognise I had to do something because of the impact on my wife and children. The only way to break the cycle was if I broke it. I wanted the kids to know there are alternatives. Abuse is not the way."

Mr Puketapu is chairman of the Iwi Health Board and was recently appointed as the iwi representative on the Primary Health Organisation, Kimi Hauora Wairau.

Te Hauora o Ngati Rarua, one of the maori health service providers in Marlborough, where Mr Puketapu also works, has dressed its fence in white ribbons in support of the anti-violence message. He hopes to eventually develop a men's group across Te Tau Ihu (Top of the South) to help violent men confront their behaviour.

"It's really important for men who have been perpetrators of abuse, verbal, mental or sexual on partners and families. It's important they acknowledge there are issues.

"The first step is to acknowledge it. Without that there can't be change. Sitting down and talking with people who have been able to work through those issues for a better life. By exposing the negative you provide the positive change.

"One of the saddest moments (in my life) was when, because I was so controlling, her (my wife's) thoughts were no longer her own."

In acknowledging his past, Mr Puketapu explained that his old behaviour was modelled on what was considered normal when he was growing up.

"I was brought up with physical violence. I thought that was the way things were meant to be. My father, he decided to change. Now it's no longer acceptable."

Asked how he, Mr Puketapu junior, helped himself to change, he said he and his brothers sought counsel from marae elders.

"I came to the marae and sat with our old people and my father. All of us, my two brothers, we came through that with all that stuff on our shoulders. It was a decision by us that we wouldn't allow this to continue in our lives."

The focus of White Ribbon Day, to celebrate "good men" and to stand up against violence can be, according to Mr Puketapu, a double-edged sword.

"Good role modelling is a great thing. For men to stand up and want to be good role models... we forget about the things we've done before. If you put yourself up as an example, you have to make sure there aren't things in your life that can compromise you."

Despite all the good intentions and the heightened awareness the campaign aims to create, Mr Puketapu said he hoped the public didn't regard it as just another fad.

"Change takes a lot of effort and time to maintain."

A White Ribbon Day promotion was to be held in the Blenheim central business district from noon to 1.30pm today with a group of people handing out ribbons and resources.