'Just do it' sex call sparks women's fury

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CALL OF DUTY? Sex researcher Bettina Arndt's new book The Sex Diaries: Why Women Go Off Sex and Other Bedroom Battles is causing controversy.

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A sex book causing a stir overseas is about to land in New Zealand and if the reaction in Australia is anything to go by, it could see Kiwi women saying "yes" more often.

The Sex Diaries: Why Women Go Off Sex and Other Bedroom Battles, by sex researcher Bettina Arndt, has sparked dozens of blog posts and stories in Australian newspapers, magazines, and on television.

The chapter getting couples and critics hot and bothered is called "Just Do It", about the idea that women should say yes to sex even when they don't feel like it.

Cue controversy: bloggers have dubbed Arndt a "rape cheerleader" and called her "yes" message "marital rape". One critic wrote: "Don't worry about why women aren't interested in sex any more, just pressure them into it by threatening the future happiness of their families, and pretty soon their libido will be bouncing right back."

Prue Hyman, a feminist economist and adjunct professor at Victoria University, hadn't read the book but was aware of the debate and was concerned at the idea of men or women having sex just to keep their partner happy.

"If a few women are thinking, `Well, maybe I'm saying no automatically when actually it would be all right' then that's fine.

"[But] if it makes people feel guilty or do things they don't want to do, then I don't like it so much."

Australian feminist Eva Cox has weighed in against Arndt, saying that by bedtime many women just want to sleep. "After an evening of organising kids, dinner, the shopping, the washing, the homework, etc, maybe [women] are too tired to want sex."

In her first New Zealand interview, Arndt told the Sunday Star-Times she had braced herself for this "huge kerfuffle", and she thinks some of her more strident critics are missing the point.

"I'm not saying `just do it, lie back and suffer, lie there like a log' I'm saying that if you put the canoe in the water and start paddling, the chances are you may well enjoy the experience. Just see, just try paddling and see what happens.

"Men must `just do it' too. And `just do it' doesn't mean having intercourse it can mean just giving someone pleasure. So it's a two-way street it just so happens that it's much more common for women to go off sex than men."

Arndt said many members of the public were far from outraged by her book in fact it had reignited sparks in bedrooms. "The letters coming in are amazing... They are getting more sex! There are some men saying the drought is breaking!"

Arndt's book, released here in May, is based on the sex diaries of 98 Australian couples some newly in love, some in stable but sexless marriages. While most women complained about being badgered for sex, Arndt was most taken aback by the men's diaries.

"They are stunned to find their needs so ignored. It often poured out in a howl of rage and disappointment."

Many men, like 48-year-old Clive, had resorted to "the grope" fondling their partner in a cuddle just to connect with her again.

Women hated "the grope" but Clive said it was his way of saying: "I'm still here. I still adore you. Hello! Where has she gone, this lover I married?"

The book's central message is that sex is an important part of a relationship and too often, "it simply hasn't worked to have a couple's sex life hinge on the fragile, feeble female libido. The right to say `no' needs to give way to saying `yes' more often provided both men and women end up enjoying the experience."

If the just-start-paddling tactic doesn't appeal, Arndt has another gem schedule sex. She talks about one couple in their 30s who have an "every three days" deal. And they're both quietly thrilled that by the time they are 70, sex may be a once-a-week treat.

- © Fairfax NZ News