How to raise kids without smacking

BY NICOLA RUSSELL

As the nation prepares to vote in the smacking referendum, several high-profile Kiwis are asked how they go about the tricky task of parenting without resorting to a whack.

NIGEL LATTA

Clinical psychologist, father of two, author of Mothers Raising Sons, host of The Politically Incorrect Parenting Show

Latta says a child's role is to try to rule the world so parents need a discipline structure.

"It's about having clear lines. You have punishment if they cross the line and there's good stuff if they stay on the other side."

Latta uses an early bedtime scale called "the ladder of certain doom". When his boys behave inappropriately they lose 15 minutes from their bedtime. Around dinner time they ask Latta how much time they've lost and they can either do jobs to make up time or go to bed early.

Latta also advocates boredom as the best tool a parent can have and to use it as a consequence. "When a child is little, a smack can work in a sense it gets their attention, but in my experience it doesn't work anywhere near as well as boredom."

He says although yelling feels good and can be used occasionally, it makes things worse. He recommends sending the child to their room until the parent feels less irritated.

ROBYN MALCOLM

Outrageous Fortune star; mother of Charlie, five, and Peter, two

At the top of Malcolm's toolkit are routine, exhausting the boys' endless energy, and being sympathetic when they are tired or hungry.

"Tired, hungry little boys are the worst creatures on the planet. I'd rather be in the water with a great white shark than in the kitchen with tired, hungry little boys. Look, if I'm tired and hungry I'm a bloody nightmare, and I'm a grown-up."

Malcolm is so hot on routine she has sung her children the same song before bed since they were very small. She focuses on consistency, so the boys are clear on right and wrong.

"If they are aware on a daily basis that certain behaviour is just not acceptable, and like clockwork they do it and there is the same repeated consequence, after a while it just gets boring."

She sets clear boundaries and uses meaningful threats and time out for undesirable behaviour. She says follow-through is crucial. "The minute you go `oh no no no darling if you do that then this will happen' and then nothing happens, they've got you on toast."

MIKE HALL

Bass guitarist with rock band Pluto; father of four girls with wife Kate

Hall rates routine as top of the list for their Auckland household.

"Routine to us is more important than extracurricular activity. Our kids absolutely flourish with routine. Routines can be broken on occasion, but it means they sleep better, they behave better, and they eat better."

Hall began reading parenting books when he became a stepdad to Jaime and Eden when they were both under three. He says he was lucky to have Kate, who was using loss of privilege and time out as techniques, as an influence.

"One of our girls is a really social person and doesn't want to miss out. I love it, but at night time it's problematic she doesn't like the door shut because she can't hear what's going on. So we say `if you don't go to sleep I'm going to close the door'."

He also relies on the support of family, friends, Plunket, books and the internet. "I haven't been afraid to call up my mother-in-law, my sister or sister-in-law and say `look I'm not too sure what to do'. Their idea might not work either, but at least you've had a bit of a brainstorm."

Hall believes smacking is ineffective, and time out works.

"I don't think kids learn any more quickly when they get smacked. Time out and very stern behaviour is just as effective, and it provides techniques for people to use on their own." As a result the two youngest girls (aged three and five) use time out with each other.

PETRA BAGUST

Television presenter, mother of three children (aged two, four and six years)

Bagust says she focuses on providing a constructive, love-based parenting system for her three children.

"As parents we are teachers. I'm passionate about the fact that discipline has to be positive. This is something I'm working towards. I looked at my children one day and I realised you're actual proper fully formed human beings, you will one day be an adult and I must treat you with respect."

Bagust and husband Hamish use time out, but believe the environment it is carried out in is what's important.

"The child just needs to be given a bit of space, to get out of the moment. They still need to be connected to the social environment and more often than not they can be comforted in time out. We will sit with them and say `do you need a cuddle', and `I still love you but that wasn't OK'."

Bagust says she has had to develop realistic expectations of her children. "It's about believing that your child, in their heart, really wants to please you which is something I think we forget.

"I have shouted at my children and I have threatened my children [but] the realisation I had at that moment was it was fear-based parenting."

For parenting advice visit:

www.familiescommission.govt.nz/; www.familyservices.govt.nz/info-for-families/ www.barnardos.org.nz

To take part in the Sunday Star-Times Alternative Smacking Referendum go to www.mysundayview.co.nz/smackingsurvey. The survey closes at 5pm Wednesday July 29.

THE STORY SO FAR

2005: Green MP Sue Bradford introduces bill, removing from the Crimes Act a parent's defence of "reasonable force" in correcting a child.

May 2007: Bill containing compromise amendments passes on third reading and act comes into force the following month.

August 2008: Parliament agrees to referendum after 310,000-strong petition. May 2009: Government announces postal referendum asking "Should a smack as part of good parental correction be a criminal offence in New Zealand?".

June 2009: Prime Minister John Key describes the question as "weird" and says he won't vote. The government is not obliged to take any action as a result of the referendum.

- © Fairfax NZ News