Dying mother's final wish

MICHAEL FOX

Natalie Murphy feels blessed - a surprising admission because the Auckland woman is dying of cancer.

She is spending her last weeks planning a celebration of her life with her best friend and soulmate, husband Greg, and putting together mementoes and instructions for the couple's two-year-old son Jackson for after she dies.

On New Year's Day and holding Jackson's hand, Natalie, 35, will walk down a rose-petal dusted aisle in the backyard of her childhood home in Beach Haven in front of 40 family members and friends where Greg, as always, will be waiting for her.

There the couple will celebrate their love for each other by renewing their wedding vows and talking about their life together.

They had planned to do it on their 10th wedding anniversary in March but last Friday doctors told her she had between two to eight weeks to live.

The Mairangi Bay mother has been fighting cancer since she discovered a lump in her breast the day before she gave birth two years ago. At age 33, she was given two to five years to live.

Natalie has done all she can to fight the disease, but her fight is nearing its end and she has finally learned to accept that.

"I spent a long time being angry and feeling ripped off because I had worked so hard for my life and to get the life that I'd always dreamed off and to have it ripped away made me a very, very angry person for a long time.

"And my husband used to say to me, 'Nat, somehow, I don't know how but somehow you're going to have to find peace in all this because I cannot watch you die angry'."

She never thought she would be able to find that peace, but about a month ago she accepted there was a greater purpose to her struggle and the acceptance finally came.

"And I can guarantee you that if I died tonight I would die an extremely happy woman."

Publicising her fight and appealing for help has sent her story around the world and supportive messages have flooded in.

"I can't ask for more than that, I mean, I know my life's been sacrificed but I could've hopefully saved thousands of lives in different ways so I take a lot of strength and comfort in that, too. That's helped, helped a lot," she said.

She had spent a long time being angry at the "bastard" that was taking her life but that anger also left her scared and depressed.

Time and support also brought her a new outlook and, she says, showed her "how freaking lucky I am".

"And it just suddenly overwhelmed me that I am married to my soulmate, and my best friend and love of my life, I have the most amazing son I could've ever asked for and I have the most amazing set of friends and I'm pretty unique in that."

She also drew strength from Jackson and her happiness before her illness.

"People ask me all the time 'how do you do it', 'how do you stay so upbeat' and 'how do you always look so good and you never look down' and 'you never look sick' and I was like, it's because I'm just so freaking happy.

"I'm so lucky that it gives me my strength and as much as I hate the fact that I'm not going to be here for Jack, and that's the hardest thing in the world, and that I'm going to break Greg's heart and he's going to be a single dad and he doesn't deserve that.

"I also know that he's the most amazing husband and father and I couldn't have done any better in who I chose and I don't have to worry."

She and Greg have made decisions about how Jackson will be raised.

He will pay for half of his first car and Greg will pick up the rest. He will also have to pay for his own tertiary education should he choose to go to university, though with the carrot that Greg will reimburse him if he passes.

Natalie is also putting together photo albums and a scrapbook of her favourite emails and clippings of news articles about her story for her son.

She will record videos of the pair cuddling and of her lying in bed with him and singing to him and she will write him letters.

The hardest thing was knowing that he was too young to have memories of her and this way he would know his mum.

"I want him to remember that his mum adored him and fought every day for him and that he was a huge part of my ability to get through this. He's the one who got me out of bed and kept me smiling because I always knew that no matter what, I didn't want Jackson to see me suffer or see me sick.

"Even when I had no hair and I was wearing scarves I was always smiling I always had my makeup on and I always made sure that he knew mummy was strong and I want him to be able to see that I tried to make a difference with a really crappy situation, I didn't just sit there and go 'okay now I've got cancer my life's all over', that I did something, that I created a website, that I got my story out all around the world and tried to make a difference.

"I want him to remember me as that type of person."

Natalie doesn't want her journey to be looked at as a story about a woman who got breast cancer and left behind her son and her husband - she wants to have inspired people to fight and to never give up.

"Any one of you could die by getting hit by a bus or something terrible happening, and as heavy as it sounds you really just have to make sure you're living your life the best you can and what's going to make you happy so that if something terrible like this ever did happen to you that you don't have any regrets.

"Appreciate the ones that you love and the ones who love you. Life is about relationships, it's not about what kind of job you have or what kind of car you own or how much money you have and materialistic things, it's about your relationships."

OVERWHELMING RESPONSE FROM STRANGERS

Natalie Murphy has been overwhelmed with people wanting to help her renew her vows.

When she found out she only had several weeks to live, she decided to bring forward plans to renew her wedding vows with husband Greg.

But because she didn't want the celebration to be a financial burden after she died, she made a plea for help on Facebook.

Within three days she had received more than 300 emails and her ceremony, now on a much grander scale than planned, has now been almost entirely paid for.

Stuff's sister website, Auckland Now, has helped by arranging for Erica Crawford of Crawford Wines to donate wine with a specially-designed label; Stu Robinson of Orange Group is providing the food, and the pair will stay at the Pullman Hotel on the night of the wedding.

Others have donated music, the dress, a cake and a marquee.

"I spent last night in tears for about two hours, finally it had hit me what everyone had done. I actually started hyperventilating. People are amazing.

"All these things that we're now lucky enough to be able to do. We were literally just going to walk down the aisle, say our words, have a few drinks and nibbles, you know, now it's turned into quite a really special day so I'm just absolutely blown away."

To donate to Natalie and her family, head to www.helpnat.com.

- © Fairfax NZ News