The secret diaries of . . . Newstalk ZB
There are many people in New Zealand who think they know what cattle look like but cannot properly tell the difference between a cow, bull, steer or heifer. I used to be one of those people. I was captive to a Left-wing ideology at TV3. We were trained to think in terms of the herd. But since joining the team at Newstalk ZB, I've become an expert at identifying fat old cows and great big heifers.
Heifers generally weigh over 72kg. Their diet consists mainly of lard.
The trick is not to make these comments about overweight New Zealand women when the microphone is on.
So, there's a bit of a farewell bash taking place live on air over at National Radio's Left-wing bulletin Morning Report, and if you thought I said Moaning Report then fair play to you. The send-off is in honour of veteran broadcaster Geoff Robinson. Yes, they've finally got rid of him. I worked alongside Geoff and I remember him with some fondness as a fairly dull and pathetic old man. I carried him the best I could and I know my efforts were appreciated by the board because when I said I was quitting, they broke out a bottle of cheap champagne and handed out flimsy little party hats. I left with their applause ringing in my ears.
It was a sweet moment and there would be many more as I grabbed the career ladder with both hands and climbed up rung by rung until I reached the peak of current affairs as host of Seven Sharp.
Well, the latest political poll comes as no surprise. If there is a surprise, it's that the approval rating of John Key isn't 100 per cent. Sometimes I think that his modesty makes things hard for him. Because at the end of the day he's a guy who won't make a big deal of the fact that he can walk on water. Now we don't hear too much about that and it's not rocket science to figure out why. You know and I know that the media is a vast Left-wing conspiracy and it won't allow voices of dissent. I'll have more to say about that after this message.
I deeply regret the fact that my comments have got me in trouble. Even thinking about the damage I may have inflicted on my image makes me want to turn on the microphone and beg for forgiveness between deep, gulping sobs.
Grief certainly works up an appetite. All I want to do is sit down and stuff my face. If one good thing has come out of this, it's that I now have a sympathetic insight into the eating habits of heifers.
Oil is perfect. You can run the car with it. You can use it for cooking. It's a resource and like all resources it should be given a resource consent, and that's exactly what the government has done. It's opening up eight new areas for oil exploration. Fantastic - but not according to the greenies and the environmentalists.
Let's just pause for a moment and let me remind you of the people who are always telling us about the so-called threat of climate change. Greenies and environmentalists. Coincidence? I think not.
Their argument isn't based on logic. They bang on about oil spills, but logic tells us that if we all sat around worrying, we'd never go out and enjoy a free dinner at one of the great restaurants at SkyCity on the corner of Victoria and Federal St in downtown Auckland. You can't miss it.
Greenies and environmentalists always base their arguments on the same old thing. Science. How tired is that? I don't have to tell you, but I will after this message.
OK. Welcome back to Newstalk ZB. The station that plays all the fears and loathings from the 1950s.
Steve Braunias is a Metro staff writer.
Sunday Star Times