The secret diary of . . . Colin Craig
There I was in the kitchen, whipping up a simple snack of red-legged partridge roasted with sweetbreads, creamed parsnips, apricots, Marcona almonds, and textures of summer vegetables, when I was told Green Party co-leader Russel Norman said that I believe a woman's place is in the kitchen.
Talk about laugh bitterly and maniacally.
I've got a very well-developed sense of humour and I was soon screeching with laughter. Then I began howling with laughter while setting the partridge on fire and smashing every window in the house.
By the time I was laughing so hard that my eardrums started to bleed, I'd managed to crawl to the phone and phone my lawyers at Chapman Tripp to threaten Norman with defamation.
They said, "What's he done?"
I said, "He's ruined my snack."
They said, "That's very serious. We'll send a letter immediately."
There was a strange noise in the background, like a meter running.
One valuable lesson I've learned in politics and business is that you should always be prepared.
A solid understanding of the matter at hand is crucial. You can't just blunder in and say the first thing that pops into your head.
You have to circle the subject, look at it from every conceivable angle, weigh the consequences, and then just blunder in and say the first thing that pops into your head.
A great many thoughts continually pop into my head. I was thinking today about the nature of man while slow-cooking an organic lamb rack with milk-fed goat, roasted globe artichoke, pomegranate, and vibrations of summer vegetables.
Is man good? Is man evil? Are we born that way? I think not. Man can choose to be good - or man can choose to be gay. There is some very interesting research done on the nature of man, and the problem of opting for homosexuality, by an American scholar who is often dismissed in the media as a "religious maniac".
That many of his insights appear have come while in a drug-induced coma and talking directly to God is no reason to tarnish his credibility.
My threat of defamation against Russel Norman continues to be widely condemned in the newspapers and other media. They don't understand there's a principle involved.
I'm a wealthy man. I spent about $1.6m on the Conservative Party campaign in the last election.
When you've got money to burn, the best thing you can do is burn it.
People will see the smoke for miles around.
Mixed messages from John Key.
I phoned him this morning. It rang twice, and then went directly to the prime minister's voicemail.
I phoned him again in the afternoon. This time, he picked up - or someone did.
I said, "John, it's Colin Craig here."
A voice said, "Oh, shit. I mean - sorry, wrong number. There's no John here, to be perfectly honest with you. OK? Listen, the majority of New Zealanders would rather move on when they've dialled the wrong number and at the end of the day that's what you're going to have to do, actually."
And then he hung up.
I phoned the same number tonight. It went directly to the prime minister's voicemail.
A 4000-word story about me is published in the latest Metro magazine. Some of the words are "loathsome ideas", "manic", "vain", "bitter", and "stupid ideas".
I crawled to the phone and was dialling Chapman Tripp's number when I saw some of the other words in the story included "charming", "pretty eyes", "sensitive artist", and "I warmed to him immediately."
I put the phone down. Good old Steve Braunias! So long as he doesn't write about me again on Sunday.
Steve Braunias is a Metro staff writer.
Sunday Star Times