The secret diary of . . . Kim Dotcom
OK, so thank you everyone for your attendance today as we prepare to launch the Internet Party.
I have gathered some of the finest minds in New Zealand around me and I look forward to meeting you one day and finding out your names and what it is you do and why it is many of you look desperate and shabby and weird.
I'm confident we can all work together to create a political force which New Zealanders can take as seriously as United First.
It's not in my nature to single anyone out other than myself but I'd like to welcome Mana Party leader Hone Harawira.
Key aura, Hone! Key aura. And hirey my.
Speaking of Key, we are united by a common enemy called John Key, who right now has his spies watching us and listening to us and observing everything about us.
OK but what I want to say about that is no-one's perfect, and I'd be happy to work with him in government.
Where are you going, Hone? I haven't finished speaking yet. Sit down, please.
Some of you may be wondering about the identity of the person wearing a shapeless cloak, and a cowl which covers their head. You probably think it's the electorate MP who has switched their loyalties to the Internet Party. I'm happy for you think that and to share your thoughts with the media.
But right now let's discuss this week's important launch of the Internet Party. Now I know some of you would rather discuss next week's important launch - the launch of the new Call of Duty game on Xbox 360 and Xbox One. Call of Duty: Ghosts Devastation, featuring four new maps (Behemoth, Collision, Ruins and Unearthed), has a Central American setting, a downed military helicopter, and a confrontation with a nearly invisible enemy. OK, so I know what you're all thinking. The game is my life. Who can forget the day that military helicopters landed on my lawn in an illegal dawn raid? For those of you who have forgotten, I will now remind you.
OK so that concludes my story of what happened in the first 45 minutes of the dawn raid. I can sense that some of you are getting a bit restless. I suggest we take a break. You can walk around the grounds. You can help yourself to food in the kitchen. Or you can relax in my personal library. I have many interesting books.
OK, so the first thing I want to make absolutely clear is that I have never actually sat down and read Mein Kampf. The dirty smear campaign against me is plainly orchestrated by Key and his invisible army who have experience fighting in Central American jungles which are similar to the lush vegetation of Coatesville - I can see one of his invisible spies now, rustling in the leaves of a begonia.
And what I want to say about that is I have absolutely no intention of working with John Key in government.
The Internet Party stands for many things but above all we stand for consistency.
We also have a range of policies which my desperate, shabby and weird lieutenants will reveal in due course. Right now though our sole focus is on tomorrow's launch of the Internet Party, and I'm confident I have an approach which will deter silly inquiries.
I welcome the press to today's launch of the Internet Party and the first thing I want to make perfectly clear to everyone is that I will not mention the war.
Well, thank God that's over, and I can be alone with my family.
What an awful week.
I'm not evil, you know? I'm a good guy. Everyone who knows me likes me.
Sunday Star Times