My fickle friend

I hate tissues. Correction: I hate having to use tissues. My esteemed colleague has already disclosed the only thing she dislikes about summer is bored teenagers harassing her but I know she secretly likes the attention. For me, however, it is somthing slightly more serious.

Just when the rain breaks, the clouds disperse, the winter chill thaws and the cold and flus subside - just when all that great fun stuff fades away, I start sneezing.

Oh cruel summer. Damn your histamines and your vicious ability to make my eyes water and force me to have to go to the bathroom every five minutes for a fresh new wad of one-ply toilet-paper. Damn you one-ply toilet-paper. Damn your ability to grate against my septum. My nose is now red. My eyes are red. My fury is red. I need aloe vera paper, that looks refreshing.

It is a cruel fate to have to take prescription drugs to fully enjoy summer. A bitter pill to swallow that to enjoy nature's bloom I have to be heavily medicated. Or partially intoxicated. Or both. I am pretty sure there is not a surgeon general's advice to avoid combining alcohol and "histos" (street talk). But I wouldn't know because struggle to read small print through my watery eyes. I take no liability if I am to handle heavy machinery.

It's not that I don't like summer, I really do. But there are things I don't like about it. Case in point: flies. As in little flying insects that don't serve any apparent purpose than to get on things you want to eat. What are the odds? I like jam but flies also like jam. Why is it that we have to share? I don't go and try and usurp their decomposing possum on the side of the road. I wouldn't even if I was partial to it, it's just not good manners. But flies have no manners. Rude little bastards, rubbing their little hands, plotting to steal my strawberry conserve.

Sun burn. I like the idea of sun. But why create something so lovely to enjoy but, once again, to enjoy it you need to be externally medicated. Why can't my skin just naturally turn a healthy Mediterranean olive (my natural skin tone) without the aid of SPFs? I don't want to be protected from the sun by a factor of 30, I want to embrace it and soak it up on my solar panel belly. But no. If I do this, (as I have been prone to do) my solar panel belly turns roasted beetroot purple. Note to self: the babes do not like beetroot purple.

The summer wind. Not the sexy Michael Buble/Frank Sinatra type of wind but those strange hot winds that make you go a little cooky. Makes people do strange things. Where "every booze party ends in a fight. Meek little wives feel the edge of the carving knife and study their husbands' necks. Anything can happen." I am not sure it is quite so serious in Nelson, we haven't even got a cool name for ours. In Los Angeles during their Santa Ana winds, some teachers do not attempt to conduct formal classes because the children become unmanageable. In Switzerland during their Foehn wind, the suicide rate goes up and in the courts of some Swiss cantons the wind is considered a mitigating circumstance for crime.

At least now we all have an excuse. Kinda.

And it rained yesterday. Oh summer, my fickle friend.

Am I alone here?

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JR   #1   03:18 pm Dec 03 2009

At least everyone doesn't laugh their ass off whenever you sneeze

ja   #2   12:26 pm Dec 04 2009

Go to the chemist and buy Flixonase. Once a day and no more hayfever.

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