Valentine's Day

Starring Ashton Kutcher, Jennifer Garner. Directed by Garry Marshall. M.

So calculated in character types and situations is Valentine's Day, a romantic comedy specifically made for its title, that it's easy to imagine its makers going through a checklist.

Does it have characters that are white, black and Latino? Check.

Characters to appeal to older moviegoers as well as those in their 30s, 20s and teens? Check.

A cute kid? Check.

How about someone who's gay? Check.

Several storylines, featuring romantics, neurotics, deniers and double-dealers? Check.

Plenty of stars - not A-list, mind you, as they're not affordable, but mainly B-list ones? Check.

Mix it all up and what do you get? Love Actually blended with He's Just Not That Into You? Check.

So we have LA florist Ashton Kutcher proposing to his girlfriend Jessica Alba on Valentine's Day, while his best friend, teacher Jennifer Garner, has met her McDreamy man, doctor Patrick Dempsey. Temp Anne Hathaway has just hooked up with Topher Grace. Start all three storylines in bed.

Meanwhile, on the same day, Shirley MacLaine and Hector Elizondo have been in love and married forever; strangers Bradley Cooper and Julia Roberts (she's playing an army captain) meet on a plane; professional gridiron player Eric Dane is facing the possible end of his career, while his publicist Jessica Biel hates Valentine's Day and meets someone who feels the same in TV sports reporter Jamie Foxx.

Then there are the two Taylors, jock Lautner (the wolfman hunk from New Moon, who keeps his shirt on here) and bimbo Swift (a songwriter) as one high school couple, and Carter Jenkins and Emma Roberts as two teens contemplating having sex.

George Lopez, Queen Latifah and Kathy Bates also have roles, as does young Bryce Robinson as a boy experiencing his first crush.

Got all that? Check. Now add in secrets and complications. Check.

Provide worthy messages, such as letting sex happen naturally when it's right, not just for the sake of having it; and if you truly love someone, you'll love all of them, not just the good parts. Check.

Get Garry Marshall to direct. He's been here and done it with the likes of Pretty Woman, Beaches, Runaway Bride and The Princess Diaries. Check.

Valentine's Day does all of the above. It becomes a parade of generally likeable people in palatable but undernourished vignettes. As entertainment, it's fluff, a trifle that's predictable (except possibly for the gay character's lover), schmaltzy and, for a comedy, as funny as phone sex - a movie equivalent of a fast-food serving or a discount store sale. Distinctly missing from its makers' checklist is ensuring that a movie about love and affairs of the heart has a genuine heartbeat that moviegoers can sense and share.

- © Fairfax NZ News