Zut alors! Life is hard in the legion, - but we love it

Escape to the Legion  Prime, Sundays, 8.30pm. Reviewed by Nick Ward

Super-survivalist Bear Grylls (Edward to his rellies) asked his fellow Britons whether they'd like to join the French Foreign Legion for a TV show, and a few silly boys said yes.

But one didn't even make it through the first episode of Escape to the Legion (Sundays, Prime, 8.30pm) before turning his back on blisters and stale baguettes.

Terry, the Scottish supermarket drone, had a history as a quitter, and threw in the kepi blanc after less than 24 hours.

Maybe it was the lack of deep-fried Mars bars in the desert, or the fact that even if there were, he'd still have to do 10 pullups before being allowed to sit down to dinner. It's a legion tradition, you see – and if you don't get it, well, we don't understand a lot of things the French do. But the drill sergeant will still call you a woman and a poofter, just like in every other military unit.

Grylls says he became enthralled with the legion and its brutal mystique as a kid, after reading Beau Geste. I had the same delusions for a few months, until I read Devil's Guard, the none-too-nice supposed memoir of a Waffen-SS bloke who got to indulge in a new round of racist murder with his kameraden when the legion took them in after World War II and sent them off to fight the Vietnamese.

In addition to providing a new home for assorted human flotsam and jetsam, the legion has a reputation for brutal training and harsh discipline, which Grylls and his mates are enduring as a means of personal development. He's probably looking forward to it with as much relish as he's shown for eating maggots and seeking shelter in a disembowelled camel on Man vs Wild.

This show's five years old, and a bit of a cheat – Grylls and his mates aren't really joining the Legion Etrangere, but a facsimile of a basic training camp, run by former legionnaires – the real legion doesn't train its men in North Africa any more. The guys with the shiniest boots in the fort are still determined to make the experience as painful as possible.

Grylls and his mates got nicely settled into their barracks, with a CD of legion marching songs (some of which are former SS songs) to entertain them, and were soon into the familiar routine of being screamed at and unfavourably compared with women and homosexuals while being marched ragged in the desert heat with rocks in their packs.

Throw in a demitasse of collective punishment to bind the boys as a unit, and one poor sod who's already been rumbled for faking a back injury, and you have another of those reality shows that thrives on people being pushed to the limits of their endurance.

But that's about it – we don't get much of a sense of the legion's history and traditions, apart from snippets of interviews with British veterans. Grylls will get to show how tough he is, but not too much, in case he's ordered to carry extra rocks. But he'd probably enjoy that.

- © Fairfax NZ News