Students hear about effects of violence

COLIN SMITH

MAKING A STAND: Nelson College, Students Against Violence Everywhere member Johny O'Donnell with violence-free-living campaigner Vic Tamati during his visit.

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As a child, Vic Tamati lay cowering over the Bible with blood, mucous and tears streaming down his face. His father towered over him and said the reason he had beaten him was because of "love".

Years later with those words now tattooed across his fists and as the cycle of violence continued in Mr Tamati's life, he showed his own "love" to his wife and children. He beat them, abused them and humiliated them.

"I got it on my hands so I could share the love, because that's what I thought love was.

"No-one ever told me enough. No-one ever told me it was wrong. It was all I ever knew, it was normal. All I heard was that violence was OK."

Mr Tamati is in the Nelson region sharing his story of becoming violence-free and yesterday he spoke to students from Nelson College.

He told the students that he never wanted to be like his father. Instead of knocking out his children three or four times in a row with his fists, he would use a weapon or he would humiliate his wife.

"I couldn't see what I was doing."

When his family finally left him it took the words of his eight-year-old daughter to make him see the error of his ways.

She said everything that had led to that violence had been her fault. The reason why Mr Tamati had beaten her was her fault. The reason why he had beaten her brother was her fault, the reason why he had beaten her mother was her fault.

"My mum and dad had never stood up for me, my teachers never stood up for me and here was my eight-year-old girl for the first time in my life standing up for me."

Mr Tamati then turned to the phone book looking up the words "angry", "violence" and "bashing". He was looking for help.

In 1992 he began going to a STOP violence course in Christchurch, which gave him the "tools and skills" to deal with his anger and introduced a completely different mindset.

At the first class, he was asked if he wanted to say anything.

"Yeah – if anyone touches my kids, I'll f...... kill you," Mr Tamati said to the group.

Mr Tamati's moment of clarity came a few sessions later, when a counsellor confronted him with the irony of his own statement.

"By your own standards, shouldn't you kill yourself?" he was asked. A light switched on.

"It really made me think: `Am I not well? Am I mental or something?' So I had to reshape and rethink my whole life. It had to stop, and it had to stop completely."

Change was hard, but not impossible.

He and his family struggled through the counselling and the tears, the acceptance his kids were scared of him.

Mr Tamati has since become one of the faces of the anti-violence campaign, It's Not OK.

Campaign manager Gael Surgenor said it was the sharing of stories such as Mr Tamati's that had been one of the most successful parts of It's Not OK.

"They have had a huge impact on the way New Zealanders think about family violence. They inspire and motivate others to change."

- © Fairfax NZ News