White packs too much

After conducting a verbal survey of entirely fictional characters in Motropolis, I've realised that I'm not alone in being intimidated by large groups of white people who descend on our town.

Their strange clothing, language and customs are off-putting and sometimes intimidating. What can we do about this menace to our multicultural harmony?

I'm not a racist, but I don't think it's just coincidence that the vast majority of vandalism, drunkenness and violence in our community is committed by white people. Sure, they're not all bad – some of my best friends are white – but when they congregate in large groups, I fear for my safety.

Also, they don't spend enough in our shops.

It's easy to spot these low-spending no-hopers. They wear distinctive clothing, like jeans and sweatshirts, or trackies and T-shirts, or sometimes fleece tops, or cotton or wool.

Anyway, it doesn't look like they bought their clothes in my shop, Alastair's Top Hat and Bow Tie Emporium, so I say ban them. If you're not spending in my shop, you're not really part of my community, are you?

Some people have tried to defend these roaming packs of white people by saying that without them, who would provide our food, teach our kids, log our trees, pick up our rubbish or fix our roads?

That's all very well, but I say that if you don't have enough money in your pocket after feeding your family, paying your bills and paying your rent to buy one of my hand-crafted velvet top hats, then you might as well stay home and off our streets.

Some people have asked me what evidence I have that these roaming packs of white people are threatening. All I can say is that if you had been at the Battle of the Bridge rugby match a couple of weeks ago, you would have seen for yourself the intimidating power of large groups of white people who dress in a similar fashion.

There were about 30 people on the field looking very scary, not to mention the 200 or so making loud and sometimes offensive remarks to a man called "Ref", who apparently had the misfortune of having only one eye.

I was shocked at the insensitivity of those people towards the handicapped gentleman, or rather, the gentleman who was differently abled in the eyesight department. No-one in this crowd was wearing a top hat or even a bow tie.

I was befuddled by the presence of a lot of brown people among the intimidating packs of white people on the field. They confounded my ability to generalise about groups of people, which I find is key to preserving my comfortable view of the world.

I mean, if I have to go around treating people as individuals, life is going to get very complicated, isn't it? I'm going to have start talking to people who look different than I do, or who think differently – or maybe, God help us, to people who are not wearing top hats and bow ties.

At least rugby only happens in the winter, although summer is even worse. The informality of the season means that of the thousands of white people who stream through our fair town, less than one is wearing a top hat.

And they are all so attractive and carefree and happy. I don't care if it's 30 degrees and they've just come from the beach. Those mass groups of white 20-something Swedish tourists intimidate me with their beauty.

Unless they can cover up decently and stay at a five-star lodge, I say stay out of Motueka. Otherwise, they might go back to wherever they came from and tell their friends about our lovely town, and before you know it, we'll have tourists galore. No, best to nip that kind of behaviour in the bud and make sure High St doesn't get too busy.

Those summer crowds are a problem. After all, there's no busy in business, is there? Sometimes one of those sun-soaked marauders will come into Alastair's Top Hat and Bow Tie Emporium, and when I ask if they need help, they say, "No thanks, I'm just looking". (Sometimes they look at my display of top hats and ask, "What century is it?", but I think that's just the way young people ask the time these days.)

Just looking? If you came into my shop because you thought you might be interested in buying a top hat, then you're in the wrong place. My shop caters to people who know what they want, don't spend more than five minutes picking it out, don't waste my time with meaningless chit-chat, and pay in cash.

If you're the kind of looky-loo who wants a smile, a friendly word and a good deal with your formal wear, then head down to Big Al's Top Hat Discount Barn.

I hear they'll serve just about anyone there.