Let's cut off our noses just to spite our faces

00:44, Feb 19 2014
Underarm delivery
JUST NOT CRICKET: Let’s boycott those underhand, underarm, cheating kangaroo killers.

Those bloody Aussies, at it again. How dare they try to promote their own businesses by dropping Kiwi suppliers for their supermarket home brands.

I, Mr Redface Angrypants, am a big supporter of the buy local movement and I say we should fight the Aussies' effort to buy local by outlocaling them. Let's not only buy local, let's make sure none of our dollars go out of the region.

When I drive my Japanese car filled with Middle East oil down to the supermarket, I'm going to make sure I buy my rice, tea and bananas from proud Kiwi producers. I get so angry when I'm watching my Korean large screen TV and those Countdown ads come on that I have to get on my Chinese cellphone and start tweeting.

If there's one thing I know it's that TOTALLY FREAKING OUT and SHOUTING AT PEOPLE ON THE INTERTUBES is the best way to counter that type of Aussie marketing effort.

Let's face it, reasonable dialogue and interdependent trade have never been known to achieve anything.

No, let's show those damn dingoes by refusing to have anything to do with them. After all, we export more to Australia than they do to us so if we refuse to sell them our products, that will show them, right? That's $10 billion worth of Kiwi goods a year they won't be able to get their grubby Ocker hands on. Good luck finding lamb chops, butter or apples in Australia, suckers.


And when my trade war gains traction on that annoying American website Facebook, we'll make those cheating kangaroo killers squirm when they realise that we Kiwis don't want their $7 billion worth of emu steaks and iron. I mean, who ever used iron for anything useful?

Yep, the loss of their sixth largest export market, all 3 per cent of their total exports that it is, will really bite those Ocker grifters in their sunburnt bums.

After all, who are they going to sell their minerals to once they realise we Kiwis are too damn proud to buy them? The Chinese? Don't make me laugh.

This isn't the first time I've hit the lucky country where it hurts. Remember when that Aussie bastard Trevor Chappell bowled underarm at fair dinkum Kiwi Brian McKechnie?

I'm a big cricket fan and I refused to watch any cricket for half a dozen years after that. God it hurt, but I really showed them, didn't I?

I bet those Aussie cheats noticed my self-inflicted pain and denial and that forced them to change their mongrel Outback ways. I'm pretty sure that stifling their competitive spirit was the key to their recent whitewashing of the Poms in the Ashes.

Sometimes you have to teach those ignorant crocodile wrestlers a few things. So I emailed Countdown to complain about their vicious kneecapping of Kiwi suppliers like Talley's, who when it comes to competition are known to be as gently compliant as a puppy having its tummy tickled.

Here's what they said: "Countdown's first preference for our supermarkets here is to source locally from New Zealand. It makes sense to do so, it supports our supply partners here and it's also important to our customers.

"We're committed to supporting local New Zealand suppliers, and at Countdown, 94 per cent of our sales are from local suppliers, and we partner with over 1000 vendors based here, as well as hundreds of farmers and growers.

"Seventy per cent of our own brand sales [Countdown, FreshZone, Homebrand, Select, Signature Range etc] come from New Zealand sourced products, and 7 per cent come from Australia."

See what they've done there, those twisty little Tasmanian Devils? They have stolen my buy local idea and are using it in their New Zealand supermarkets to dupe and deceive us.

It's just like those poxy koalas: they look cute and cuddly but then you pick one up and bam, you've caught the clap. Those sneaky tactics have got me so confused I don't know what to do.

All this fuming has left me running on fumes. My blood sugar's plunging so I'm off to the other supermarket where at least I know the 100 per cent markup on produce is going to a good cause: Kiwi capitalists rather than public shareholders.

That reminds me. I probably should sell my Woolworths shares. But only to a local.