Interest is granted in RWC

The summons was foreboding.

My mortgage term is up and the bank has cordially invited me to refix the loan. Like many readers of this piece, I was caught by the interest rate plunge of the last year, lumbered with a high fixed percentage for long after Alan Bollard pulled the plug out.

You take it on the chin and try to learn. This time the mortgage tables are well trawled and between the options of fixed, floating, FlyBuys and revolving credit, I can confidently say I have my finger on the pulse.

Unfortunately it's my pulse and it's fibrillating like crazy. I may collapse at any minute. So because of health concerns, a little constructive thinking is called for. I thought of putting the house in a family trust in which I have no pecuniary interest, and then renting it back to myself, but who could face the paperwork? Instead, it is time to embrace the Rugby World Cup.

I intend turning this humble abode into a party venue for the two games being held in Nelson. I have stowed a few bottles of chianti in the pantry, put extra ice-trays in the freezer, bought a half-dozen cans of Italian peeled tomatoes, and am applying for a $2 million government subsidy. Minister Murray McCully has intimated that, in addition to the $20 million his colleagues pledged for a party base at Queens Wharf in Auckland, more cash could be forthcoming, but the Government can't be seen to be too generous just yet.

Accordingly, I'm asking for a fraction of that amount. I logged on to the Queens Wharf project website and it all sounds like an echo of the hype that preceded the fizzled America's Cup development at the Viaduct, just around the corner. My night-class tutors at Nayland College are pretty hot about this stuff. Their funding has just been slashed 80 per cent, and the Government appears to have transferred that money to its other hand to pay a very large champagne bill.

A cynic might note that when Dunedin students neglect their education and party up hard, they are rampaging louts. When the Government neglects education and parties up hard it's practising responsible governance. You don't want to listen to cynics they are notorious party-poopers. And the scarfies are a bunch of couch-burning hoons. Did they have a fire permit? I ask. Did they think to ensure that their settees were constructed of properly seasoned "good wood" so that they burn cleanly? Did any of those flats think to lay in a few cords of couch last year so it dried out over the summer? I think not.

My opinions are not coloured in the slightest by the grant application. That money will be spent wisely in buying my property outright and refurbishing it for entertainment purposes. Did I mention that the garage can hold two Ferraris, if you're not too precious about the paintwork?

Admittedly, I know little about Italy, but it's all relative since I know even less about rugby. However, I once owned a Vespa that never said die, I love gelato, spag bol is a trusty standby when starved of imagination in the kitchen, and I own a pair of Italian shoes. (Actually, I've just checked and they were made in Macau which used to be owned by Portugal, within spitting distance of Milan.) And like the rest of the world, I follow the misfortunes of Berlusconi with glee. In short, without wishing to offend Nelson's upstanding citizens of Italian descent, I think we can agree their rellies turn out splendido scooters and sordido prime ministers. Their films aren't too flash either. They are always populated by large-breasted vamps, making a strong case that Italian men never progress beyond the mental age of 13.

(Unlike the rest of us.) That is a danger. If Queens Wharf is anything like the Viaduct in its heyday, it will become a magnet for every call-girl who can rustle up a plane or taxi fare.

Judging by the stories you hear about touring sports teams, it's a wonder players have the energy left to tie their boots. We'll have none of that dolce vita at my bar. The manager and only woman will be a formidable mamma who treats the boys as if they never left home. Which most probably haven't.

Most of the grant will be spent on creating a palazzo. A team of consultants will be hired to find out what a palazzo is. Once they report back, the Brook will have the finest palazzo that your money can buy. As for entertainment, I am not yet over my bout of Nessun Dormatitis, despite liberal applications of cortisone cream.

Opera is still out. However, I know some ukulele players who could knock out a passable O Sole Mio by 2011. Wine, woman and song it's party central, dude. We have to shut it down by 9pm, though, because that's my "slipper time".

- © Fairfax NZ News

Newest First

Oldest First