Hooked on the property pages

BY MATT LAWREY

If you're anything like me, then a highlight of your week has to be getting Friday's edition of The Nelson Mail.

I enjoy reading the stories, looking at the photos, checking out my friend Mike's cartoon and scoffing at some of the letters, but most of all I enjoy getting my copy of Property Weekly and its little brother, Summit Weekly.

I got hooked on them during the dark days when stampeding house prices shut our family out of the market.

Back then, I would examine every listing hoping to find something we could afford. Since we bought our modest home, the experience was gone from being an act of sheer desperation to one of considerable pleasure.

Sure, you can look at property on the net, but it's nowhere near as enjoyable as thumbing your way through the property pages with a cold beer and some cheese and crackers for company.

Call me pathetic, but for relaxing ways to end the week, I reckon it's up there.

Although I'd be the first to admit it's not entirely wholesome. There might be people who can look at those pages with a dispassionate eye but I'm not one of them. In fact, the thoughts that hurtle through my mind can verge on unkind. Some examples:

"You want how much? You've got to be joking."

"Oh yeah, early 80s aluminium joinery, nice touch."

"That's not a unit, that's a cell."

"It's a $610,000 house and the best you can come up with is a picture of the flat-pack kitchen?"

"I'm sorry, but did someone just say `leaky building syndrome'?"

"Bet it gets no sun."

"But how much would living there cost you in petrol each month?"

"That's a hideous extension."

"There is no way that's not leasehold."

"It IS leasehold. Honestly, why would you spend all that money for the privilege of still having to pay rent?"

Then there are those sales lines. Here is a collection from last week with the thoughts they brought to mind.

"Good buying" Good luck.

"Priced to be sold" as opposed to everything else here that's priced not to be sold.

"Must be sold" they couldn't afford the payments and chances are neither will you.

"Seriously for sale" we're kidding about the other ones.

"Peaceful, serene lifestyle" so far from civilisation you'll think you're in Deliverance.

"This property will be sold" not sure about any of the others.

"Tick tock time is running out" it could blow up in your face.

"First home/last home" if you buy it, you'll never be able to sell it.

And then there are all those questions that come to mind.

Why do houses in Motueka cost so much?

If there's no sales commission, why don't houses sold through Green Door appear cheaper than the ones being marketed by the regular agencies?

How long before a Nelson real estate salesman gets a little crazy and loses the tie?

How many weeks can you keep calling a listing "new" for?

It's a $340,000 house isn't it safe to assume it's made of permanent materials?

Apart from their mothers, does anyone else really care about their awards?

You have to give the industry some credit, though. Being able to spot a house in Property Press and then jump online to see more of it, along with a map, is cool, and the handful of Nelson salespeople we've dealt with have been nice.

There is one thing they could do to improve their image, though, and that's stop using photos taken with wide-angle lenses. You know the shots I mean the ones where the doors look about three metres wide.

If you're one of those salespeople, and you're reading this, leave it out. It makes you look dishonest and suggests you think your potential buyers are idiots, which, I'm guessing, isn't the look you're going for.

- © Fairfax NZ News