The key to a good relationship

OPINION: Everyone says that communication is the key to a good relationship, but what sort of communication, asks Gerry Forde in this week's Southlander.

Take the following spousal interaction.

"Is that the spider out of its hole in the French window there?"

"Yes, darling it is."

"The spider that's been there for a year now?"

"Yes, and he's grown quite large too."

"And he's out of his hole?"

"Yeh, don't often see him, eh?"

"It won't be long before he goes back in then, will it?"

"I should think."

The Good Woman explodes: "Kill that spider now!!!"

To half of you it's obvious right from that first sentence: "Is that the spider out of its hole?" that the Good Woman is asking for the spider to be removed.

To the rest of us, the penny drops at "Kill that spider!" by which time the spider has eaten tea, used the heat pump to blow dry its hairy legs and disappeared.

Leaving an exasperated wife still living under the threat, and a frustrated great white spider hunter.

What went wrong here?

The Good Woman is an informative communicator, meaning she understates and subtly hints at what she wants, leaving me with plenty of scope to take the initiative.

Unfortunately, I'm a directive communicator who says exactly what he means and only hears exactly what is said. So she thinks I'm dumb and I think she's vague but, according to personality type specialist, Linda Berens, it's just different styles.

The host says: "How did you like the spuds?"

"Delicious!" replies the guest.

The host repeats: "How did you like the spuds?"

Confused, the guest replies: "Lovely new spuds, thanks!"

The host repeats: "How did you like the spuds?"

A family member whispers across to the exasperated guest, "She means for you to pass the spuds".

One person says, "I can't find the driver's door; give the car a wash now!"

Another says, "How long since the car was washed?"

Armed with this knowledge, I was thrilled to see that the electric blanket, which is only on my half of the bed, had been switched on for me. Her understated way of saying she loves me, or so I pointed out, and she replied, "I just didn't want you looking for heat on my side of the bed".

Now how do I read that?

» Gerry Forde is the Venture Southland regional identity brand manager.

- © Fairfax NZ News