Whar in our time — the quiz

Hello students. Welcome to the advanced level NCEA assessment module in Social Studies, writes Joe Bennett this week.

 The topic of this module is 21st-century New Zealand history.

If you do not understand any of the words in the preceding sentence, or the phrase "preceding sentence", or the word "phrase", don't worry. If you don't understand the word "understand", please ask your learning facilitator for assistance. You may be eligible for funding.

If at any time you feel this assessment module threatening your self-esteem, go directly to counselling. This assessment module has been compiled for the New Zealand Ministry of Education by Google World Learning in accordance with the UN Charter of Young Persons' Rights.

All contents have been checked for accuracy with Googlepaedia and permission to reprint copyright material has been obtained from Alltheworldsbookswhatwe juststolesogosuckonthatyouauthors andfuddyduddypublishers@google. com.

Please remember that an assessment module is not an examination. Examinations have been outlawed by the United Nations on the grounds that they discriminate against the under-knowledged.

An assessment module is non-competitive and non-failable. Every student will be awarded one of four achievement grades:
•Achieved with Excellence (one or more answers correct)
•Achieved with Merit (one or more answers attempted)
•Attended with Excellence (no answers attempted)
•Attended with Merit (did not attend).

The grades reflect different learning styles and are not ranked. All grant automatic university entrance. If you are unfamiliar with the word "university", ask your learning facilitator to help you with enrolment. That way you will stay off a benefit for another year or two. The questions are multi-choice because that permits even the brain-dead a chance of success.

Remember, if you give the same answer for every question it is a statistical near-certainty that you will be graded Achieved with Excellence and will earn entry to the sports academy of your choice.

To familiarise you with the multi-choice method, here is a sample question that is not part of the assessment module. Circle the correct answer.

A sports academy is:
a. An oxymoronb.
b. The jewel in the crown of an enlightened, post-industrial society.
Clue: buzz buzz.

Now here is the real thing. In the interests of advancing the world's collective wisdom, Google-branded electronic information retrieval devices may be used in this assessment module, but not devices put out by any other company. Good luck.

1. Name the conflict that divided New Zealand society in late 2009

a. the First World War
b. the Second World War
c. the Rugby World Cup
d. the Whar of Wanganui

2. The whar was fought between
a. crusties and liberals
b. the less-generously and the more-generously pigmented
c. right and wrong
d. people who should have known better

3. The conflict was sparked by
a. famine
b. plague
c. slavery, rapine, torture, human trafficking and genocide
d. spelling

4. The seeds of the conflict had been planted
a. by the Treaty of Waitangi
b. by homo sapiens sapiens's genetic predisposition to tribal affiliation
c. in the pub
d. all of the above

5. The conflict was irresoluble because

a. no-one was going to budge
b. it wasn't really about spelling
c. it crystallised ancient grudges
d. all of the above

6. The correct spelling of the town in question is
a. Wanganui
b. Whanganui
c. of no importance
d. indeterminable, there being no such thing as correct spelling in any language at any time, but only agreed convention. The matter being further complicated by the odd way in which the early missionaries chose to transcribe a hitherto oral language.

7. The leader of the First Battalion of the Less-Generously Pigmented Crusties was
a. fond of publicity
b. fond of a stoush
c. a talk-back host
d. all of the above

8. The conflict was eventually resolved by
a. act of parliament
b. distraction caused by a rare All Black victory against a team with a fullback fresh out of primary school
c. justifiable apathy
d. an agreement by each side to put up a champion for single combat

9. The naked wrestling bout in Wanganui/Whanganui High Street between the leader of the First Battalion of the Less-Generously Pigmented Crusties and the Head of the Geographic Board of New Zealand was:
a. as good a way as any other of failing to resolve the underlying tensions
b. reported in exhaustive detail by television stations around the planet
c. the cause of a massive tourism bonanza
d. all of the above

» Joe Bennett is an English-born travel writer and columnist who lives in New Zealand with dogs. His columns are syndicated in newspapers throughout New Zealand.

- © Fairfax NZ News