Missing you, missing me

OPINION: Suddenly, the Good Woman was off to Aussie to see her friend Amy marry James, an army corporal, writes Gerry Forde in this week's Southlander.

I missed her, especially in bed. Changing the sheets seems such a waste when you only use half.

Everyone missed her when I cooked. But I was hungry for the simple conversations with a best mate. But did she miss me?

Her text said "Ring me" but was the sub text "Need you?"

There was a major incident at their Townsville house.

The Good Woman and daughter returned from a night stroll to find their way blocked by an ugly piece of Aussie wildlife the size of a plate – a toad.

Both women squealed.

"Should we ring the fire brigade?" the daughter asked.

Then she grabbed a broom.

"Sweep that sucker off the porch!" yelled the Good Woman from a safe distance.

The daughter held the broom warily. "But what if he gets on the broom and comes after me?"

So she biffed the broom at the toad. It blinked back at them.

Looking for more ammunition, they spotted a chilly bin.

"I'm going to ice that toad!" yelled the daughter.

She pulled the bin closer.

A toad sprang out from underneath. The daughter fell back screaming, the mother fell back laughing.

They tried their pockets and found pieces of balloon from the hen's party the night before. They flicked them at the frog but hit themselves. They laughed again.

Then they spotted a paper lantern. The Good Woman aimed intensely and let it fly. The lantern landed neatly on the toad. They both gasped. The night air fell silent. The toad was still. As they held their breath, the lantern hopped. Once, twice, three times towards them. They were paralysed, holding on to each other.

At the last minute the toad veered off the path, hopping across the lawn. "Quick! Get that hopping Chinese lantern on your phone camera!" yelled the Good Woman.

But both of them were rolling around laughing and couldn't do a thing – a plague of toads could have hopped over them.

"That's when I realised that I missed you," the Good Woman said down the phone.

"Because I'm your Great White Hunter?" I asked.

"No, we have an army corporal here. I miss you making me laugh."

I was stoked. I couldn't be replaced even by a lantern wearing Aussie toad!

» Gerry Forde is the Venture Southland regional identity brand manager.

- © Fairfax NZ News