It's all because of me

I knew I could do it!

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OPINION: So this is me jumping on the bandwagon – first I hitch up my pants and then try to find a toe-hold on the back, writes Sarah McCarthy in this week's Uptown Girl.

Then I try to heave myself up, miss, fall on the ground, make whiny noises, roll around in the dust for a while until totally humiliated and then take a running jump and just make it – thanks to my chestal region, which has become wedged under a chillybin full of Speight's.

So Go Stags! While I haven't gone so far as to buy any Stags gear – neither maroon nor gold are my colours: one washes me out, one makes me look florid and the two combined remind me of my old Hargest uniform – I was at the parade with a wee tear in my eye, although that might have been the wind.

I watched the last bit of the game on Thursday. I had been tearing around the house on a cider-fuelled cleanup mission and had been doing the dishes in an agitated way. Mr mr retaliated by turning the volume of the TV up by increments until the house was filled with the sounds of clashing cutlery and referee's whistles. But as the dishes dripped dry and I decided not to clean out the fridge I became aware of a tense silence from the living room.

It appeared we were winning. So I sat and watched (and ordered a curry).

I suppose I should tell you now that it is really thanks to me that we won the Ranfurly Shield at all. I should have made this public before now so I could have had the chance to hold the Log O' Wood aloft at the parade on my own wee truck – driven by my own contentious mystery driver.

So this is what happened. When a Canterbury man had a kick at the H (or goal as some people call it), I used my powers of telekinesis to have the ball squintch away to the left.

There, I said it.

Now, no doubt the Government will want to use me as some kind of top secret, high-level aide, moving money from ACC coffers into Defence using only The Power Of My Mind and perhaps a laptop. But it's worth it for the Shield, I suppose.

So I'll be using my powers for good again tonight and, just like Carrie, if it all goes badly and Southland ends up with a bucket of pig's blood all over its prom dress ... well, you've seen the movie or read the book.

Happy Halloween!

» Sarah McCarthy is a Southland Times staff member.

- © Fairfax NZ News

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