Look out for the neighbours

OPINION: Alert readers may have noticed a common thread to the major news stories of the week, writes Joe Bennett this week.

 The less alert may wish to scan the following articles and reach their own conclusions about which way the geese are flying.

Swiss referendum bans minarets

"The people have spoken," said the president of the moderate Get the Bastards Out of Switzerland party. "But I would like to stress that, in keeping with the great tradition of religious and political tolerance for which Switzerland is renowned, the ban on minaret building applies equally to Muslim and non-Muslim citizens."

The president also announced the intention to hold a further referendum to create a national holiday. "It is to be called the bier-wurst referendum and we are optimistic that the people will endorse it as ringingly as they have endorsed the minaret ban. If they do, then on May 1st every year all Swiss citizens over the age of 18 will be required to consume a celebratory pork sausage (known locally as Kristianwurst) and wash it down with a good Swiss beer. Failure to do so will result in extradition. There will also be folk dancing.

"At this proud moment in our history," added the president, "I'd like to take the opportunity to remind the USA that we still have a treaty of mutual military support. So in the event of either country being invaded by hordes of robe-wearing religious fanatics swarming over the Alps from the southeast, the other country will send troops. The Swiss army, which defends the pope with long-handled axes and striped pantaloons, is ready at a moment's notice to sprint to the defence of Washington."

Iran ramps up production of nuclear fuel

President Ahmajinebad has announced a massive increase in Iran's production of enriched plutonium. It is to be used to generate energy for domestic consumption. "We are a peaceful, democratic nation," he said.

When asked why he was planning to produce 30 more times plutonium than Iran had the capacity to use in its reactors he said the answer was obvious. "Israel has got more warheads pointed in our direction than we've got opposition party members banged up in prison after the recent free and fair election. So we need to have spare fuel in case Israel blows some of it up. It's that simple. We've got nothing against the illegal, murderous Zionist state but it's a government's duty to plan for all contingencies. By the way, we've got lots of oil."

Inquiry into legality of Iraq War

A British commission of enquiry into the invasion of Iraq, urgently convened in response to public disquiet only six years after the event, has reached the emphatic conclusion that the invasion was sort of legal and sort of illegal.

"It's the vindication I've been waiting for and I never doubted for one moment that it would come," said Tony Blair, speaking by satellite phone from a holiday destination that has no treaty of extradition with the United Kingdom.

Mr Blair confirmed that he had stated he had no plans to invade Iraq and had then invaded Iraq but dismissed the apparent inconsistency as a semantic quibble. "You seem to forget that George W Bush and I prayed together as Christians while spending quality time holidaying at the Pentagon. It was soon afterwards that someone said someone had heard a rumour that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction. It would have been blasphemy to ignore the guidance. Did you know Iraq has lots of oil?'

Dubai bailed out by Abu Dhabi

Dubai's debts of $60 billion have been guaranteed by sister emirate Abu Dhabi.

"We've got lots of oil,' said a spokesman for the Abu Dhabi ruling family, "so it's no real problem.'

"It's a huge relief,' said the ruler of Dubai. "If we'd defaulted on the debt it would have upset western markets terribly and probably precipitated a second financial crisis, which would have been no good for us at all. You see, we've got vast investments in the west in everything from football clubs to casino operators, and we're entirely dependent on western corporates for our prosperity. If they scarpered from Dubai, we'd be scuppered. But thanks to Abu Dhabi we'll be able to keep them all here, and at the same time we'll be able to continue to give vast sums of money to Muslim causes in order to keep our more devout neighbours sweet. It isn't easy playing a double game you know.'

Tiger Woods in late-night traffic "accident"

Tiger Woods the billionaire golfer last night suffered minor injuries in a car accident inside the gated community in which he lives.

A spokesman for the Orlando police department said he could not pre-empt the results of the inquiry. "But off the record," he said, "are you telling me that Tiger, who can drive a ball 330 yards down the dead middle of the toughest fairway in the world, can't steer a car at low speed down an empty suburban road? If you ask me, this has got al Qaeda's fingerprints all over it."

» Joe Bennett is an English-born travel writer and columnist who lives in New Zealand with dogs. His columns are syndicated in newspapers throughout New Zealand.

- © Fairfax NZ News