A Santist's shopping guide

OPINION: My tally of Christmas cards received stands at two, both of them religious. Each bore a full-sized image of the Lord Santa, writes Joe Bennett this week.

Every society creates the gods it needs. Most commonly they are invented by people in power who want to keep the mob in order.

Santa was invented by Coca-Cola Corp – and you don't get more powerful than that – and he's been steadily ascending to heaven ever since, displacing divinities who've outlived their usefulness.

The Santa mantra is a jolly "ho ho ho", suggesting benevolence and a deep love of children. Pure hokum. The actual spiritual message is "buy now".

A true Santist is required to display his devotion by buying stuff he can't afford for people who don't want it.

Like all faiths, Santism is defined by exclusion. Anyone who dares to defy the Lord Santa is branded a grinch, a scrooge, a skinflint and a killjoy. In other words, quite simply, a sinner.

When the big one starts, the battle hymn of the west will be Shop for the Lord. Our standard will show an image of Santa Bellicosa, with bristling beard, a supermarket trolley full of gift-wrapped M16s and in His chubby hand a credit card honed to a flesh-slicing blade.

Should the heathen fanatics with their waistcoats of gelignite try to come between us and the shrine of the holy mall, they'll find out that Santists can be every bit as fervent as they.

But the big one isn't with us yet, quite. Now is the feast of our Lord. He has paraded through the streets to announce his annual coming – for here is a god who actually does resurrect, visibly, dependably, once a year, in red draylon, so no belief is required, no faith, no hope. He's as solid as flesh and as happy as eftpos.

All He asks is sacrifices. O come all ye faithful and lay socks at His feet, and combination shampoo and aftershave kits.

But worship is so hard. You can see the strain on the faces at the teeming temple. What to get for spiteful Auntie Joyce, for deaf grandpa who just doesn't want anything, for mad, incontinent Martha?

Well, help is at hand in the form of my columnar Christmas gift shoppe, crammed with contemporary gifts for the hard-to-buy-for. We're here to help you into debt.

Any teenage girl will love our battery-operated Like Generator.

Designed to attach to any anatomical piercing this little device will respond to the slightest touch of the hand by saying the word "like". It reloads instantly so can be used multiple times within a single sentence.

Greenies are notoriously hard to please, but they'll say thanks and thanks again for our patented sea-level gauge, the Inundometer. Simply install securely (instruction manual included) at the present high tide point on your local beach. The device is calibrated geographically, so for every centimetre of sea-level rise they will know precisely which parts of which nations have been swamped and will have screeds of material with which to shock and appal at dinner parties.

And here's a related gift for friends and family in low-lying countries. Show you care with our brine-resistant stilts. Hand carved from unsustainably harvested Amazonian hard wood, each pair of stilts comes with a personalised message of good cheer from the industrial world and the inscription "ho ho ho, keep your chin up." Guaranteed to raise a laugh at Christmas and to be of practical use. (To remain brine-resistant, stilts need to be anointed annually with Indonesian palm oil.)

Is there a telly addict in your family? Will he ever find a screen big enough to satisfy him? Well he will now, with our house-sized model. Here's the television he can actually live in. The entire thing, including fixtures and fittings, is constructed from functioning screens. Wall screens even have framed inset screens tuned perpetually to the View from the Window channel. Bed screens come with a hologram of a naked newsreader writhing. When ordering please specify required sex of newsreader.

Our 2010 Investor's Diary. Recycled from worthless Finance Company debentures, this attractively bound desk diary has an inspiring motto on every page to steer you towards a secure financial future. January 1st's motto, for instance, is: "The soundness of an investment is inversely proportional to the degree of celebrity of the person plugging it on television."

Six of the 10 best-selling books in New Zealand are cook books. Our Cookbook Cookbook shows you how to turn your surplus cookbooks into nourishing dishes that the whole family will love. The Cookbook Cookbook comes with sample flavour sachets. Simply pulp the celebrity chef of your choice, sprinkle a sachet over him and pop in the oven. Braised Jamie Oliver is an especial favourite in my household.

And, finally, a stocking stuffer for the little ones: the interactive picture book and modern morality tale Bonko the Tiger. Uplifting, up to the minute and hugely entertaining. (Comes with a free "I've bonkoed with Tiger" lapel badge.)

» Joe Bennett is an English-born travel writer and columnist who lives in New Zealand with dogs. His columns are syndicated in newspapers throughout New Zealand.

- © Fairfax NZ News