No-one wins in the epic battle

OPINION: It was the stifled scream that has echoed down the centuries, that a caveman would have heard from his cave wife and come running to fight off a sabre tooth tiger, writes Gerry Forde in this week's Southlander.

I ran to the kitchen, adrenalin pumping – the Great White Hunter in his hour.

Luckily, no tiger. Not even a large spider.

But there on the floor under the lip and shadows of the cupboards, a fat, long antenna-carrying hoppie. So called because they can jump a foot with no warning. Something that terrifies the Good Woman and made me hesitate.

As I approached, the hoppie squared up to me. No surprising him from behind, this would be man on insect. I looked for a weapon on the bench. But given I was 200 times larger, it seemed unfair. So I crouched, crept forward, paused and raised my hand.

Suddenly the hoppie leapt. I slipped back and fell on my butt, instinctively rolling into the foetal position and protecting my head.

Laughter from the Good Woman encouraged me to open my eyes.

The hoppie was hopping but under the lip of the cupboards, so each time he jumped he hit his head.

The sight of me rolling on the ground and the hoppie smacking his own head was too much for the Good Woman and she was rolling with laughter.

I bravely waited for the hoppie to knock himself out then took him out to the rubbish.

Later when it came time to hang up my sock for Santee, I reflected on the hapless hoppie and wondered if I might be like him – repeating the same senseless action and going nowhere.

So I left a message for Santa: "For Christmas, I'd like to get out of the rut. I'd like to feel fully alive; to be able to cry when sad things happen, to celebrate with gusto the victories of others, to be able to see the magic in a windy Southland spring, to run like the wind, play like a child, love with the passion of a teenager and the sensitivity of an old man. Santa, I want it all!"

As you can imagine, I was very excited when I ran to the stocking on Christmas morning. The sock was desperately flat. Inside, just one item.

A ticket to Portland, Oregon, USA.

You're coming with me.

Merry Christmas!

» Gerry Forde is the Venture Southland regional identity brand manager.

- © Fairfax NZ News

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